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The New York City school board has officially declared Jewish English, now dubbed ‘Hebonics’, as a second language. Backers of the move say the city’s School District is the first in the state to recognize Hebonics as a valid language and significant attribute of New York culture.
According to Howard Schollman, linguistics professor at New York University and renowned Hebonics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.
Prof. Schollman explains, “In Hebonics, the response to any question Is usually another question — plus a complaint that is implied or stated. Thus, ‘How are you?’ may be answered, How should I be, with my feet?’”
Schollman says that Hebonics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or skepticism. An example is the repetition of a word with “sh” or “shm” at the beginning: “Mountains,shmountains. Stay away. You want a nosebleed?”
Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: “It’s beautiful, that dress.”
Schollman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as ‘He’s slow as a turtle,’ could be: “Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks.”
Schollman provided the following examples from his textbook, Switched-On Hebonics.
Question: “What time is it?”
English answer: “Sorry, I don’t know.”
Hebonic answer: “What am I, a clock?”
Remark: “I hope things turn out okay.”
English response: “Thanks.”
Hebonic response: “I should BE so lucky!”
Remark: “Hurry up. Dinner’s ready.”
English response: “Be right there.”
Hebonic response: “Alright already, I’m coming. What’s with the ‘hurry’ business? Is there a fire?”
Remark: “I like the tie you gave me, wear it all the time.”
English response: “Glad you like it.”
Hebonic response: “So what’s the matter; you don’t like the other ties I gave you?”
Remark: “Sarah and I are engaged.”
English response: “Congratulations!”
Hebonic response: “She could stand to gain a few pounds.”
To guest of honor at his birthday party:
English remark: “Happy birthday.”
Hebonic remark: “A year smarter you should become.”
Remark: “A beautiful day.”
English response: “Sure is.”
Hebonic response: “So the sun is out; what else is new?”
Answering a phone call from son:
English remark: “It’s been a long time since you called.”
Hebonic remark: “You didn’t wonder if I’m dead yet?”
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Three Men And A Bubbie
A Few Hood Mentches
The Cohenheads
The Rocky Hora Picture Show
Shalom Alone
Goyz ‘N The Hood
A Gefilte Fish Called Wanda
The Wizard Of Oys
Who Framed Roger Rabbi?
Prelude To A Briss
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An old jew is on his deathbed. He gets enough strengh to talk. “My wife, my wife“. So his wife comes up to him and says: “I‘m here, I‘m here“. He then says: “My daughter, my daughter“ – “I‘m here daddy, I‘m here“ “My son, My son“ – “I‘m here dad“ “Well then… who the hell is taking care of the store?
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A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach. He’s playing in the water, she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there…he was swept away.
The grandma holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries: “Lord, my God, how could you?
Haven’t I been a wonderful grandmother?
Haven’t I been a wonderful mother?
Haven’t I kept a kosher home?
Haven’t I given to charity?
Haven’t I lit candles every Friday night?
Haven’t I tried my very best to live a life that
you would be proud of?
A voice booms from the sky, “All right already!”
A moment later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there. He is smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.
The voice booms again. “I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?”
She responds, “He had a hat.”
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You’ve had at least one female relative who draws eyebrows on her face and they are always asymmetrical.
You spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone calls roast beef “brisket”.
Your family dog responds to complaints uttered in Yiddish.
Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your grandparents.
You’ve experienced the phenomena of 50 people fitting into a 10 foot wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates trying to get to a deli tray.
You thought pasta was the stuff used exclusively for kugel and kasha and bowties.
You watched Lawrence Welk and Ed Sullivan every Sunday night.
You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.
You never knew anyone who’s last name didn’t end in one of 5 standard suffixes.
You thought all women’s breasts were at least a C cup.
You were surprised to find out that wine doesn’t always taste like year-old cranberry sauce.
You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green.
You think the goyim are out to get you.
Your mother smacked you really hard and continues to make you feel bad for hurting her hand.
You can understand Yiddish but you can’t speak it.
You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don’t exactly know what they mean.
You have at least one ancestor who is related to your spouse’s ancestor.
You grew up thinking it’s normal for someone to shout “are you okay? Are you okay?” through the bathroom door if you’re in there for longer than 3 minutes.
You have at least six male relatives named David.
You feel a sense of pride after seeing a Stephen Spielberg movie, but Barbara Streisand embarrasses you to no end.
Your grandparent’s furniture smelled like mothballs and was as comfortable as sitting on sandpaper.
You thought that speaking loud was normal.
You thought whitefish salad and lox was the quintessential party food.
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Moshe was at his golf club and went into the clubhouse to see whether anyone could offer him a lift to Hendon. His own car was off the road being serviced.
‘Sure,’ said Morry, ‘I’ll give you a lift. My Rolls Royce is just outside.’
As they’re driving along, Moshe says, ‘Morry, what’s that thing on the dashboard ticking all the time?’
‘That’s my digital clock.’
A few minutes later, Moshe asks, ‘And what’s that thing on the dashboard moving up and down?’
‘That’s my tachometer,’ says Morry.
Then a few minutes after that, Moshe starts to ask, ‘But what’s that….’
‘Hold on a minute, Moshe,’ says Morry, ‘I can see you’ve never been in a Rolls Royce before.’
‘Never in the front seat.’ says Moshe.
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Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked an elderly aged man named Moishe to represent them. Rabbi Moishe‘s Latin wasn‘t very good – in fact, he knew very little–but he was a man of great faith and well respected in the Jewish community. The pope agreed. What could be easier than a silent debate?
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, “I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.“
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?“
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. “What happened?“ they asked. “Well,“ said Moishe, “First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.“ “And then?“ asked a woman. “I don‘t know,“ said Moishe. “He took out his lunch and I took out mine.“
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One day, the wise men of Chelm decide to start making their own beer.
After months of experimentation with different recipes, they still can’t agree which is the best formula. They deliberate for weeks, with no resolution. Finally they leave the decision to the Rabbi.
The Rabbi decides which one is their very best beer and the Chelmites ship a sample off to Warsaw for certification.
Two weeks later they get a telegram: “Your horse has diabetes.”
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Two beggars are sitting on the pavement in Ireland. One is holding a large Cross and the other a large Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. As people walk by, they lift their noses at the guy holding the Star of David but drop money in the other guy’s hat. Soon one hat is nearly full whilst the other hat is empty.
A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the guy with the Star of David and says, “Don’t you realize that this is a Christian country? You’ll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David.”
The guy holding the Star of David then turns to the guy holding the Cross and says, “Hymie, look who’s trying to teach us Marketing.”
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Bernie at the Races
Rabbi Levine is walking slowly out of a Shul in Golders Green when a gust of wind blows his hat down the street. He’s an old man and can’t walk fast enough to catch his hat. Across the street, Bernie sees what’s happening, rushes over, grabs the hat and returns it to Rabbi Levine.
‘I don’t think I would have been able to catch my hat.’ Rabbi Levine says. He places his hand on Bernie’s shoulder and says, ‘May God bless you.’
Bernie thinks, ‘I’ve just been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day.’ So he goes to the races and sees in the first race a horse named ‘Top Hat’ at 20 to 1. He bets £50 and the horse comes in first.
In the second race, Bernie sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1 so he bets it all and this horse comes in first also.
When Bernie finally returns home to his wife, she asks him where he’s been. He explains how he caught the Rabbi’s hat and was blessed by him and then went to a betting office and started winning on horses that had a hat in their names.
‘So where’s the money?’ she asks.
‘I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost.’
‘You fool, Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a hat.’
‘It doesn’t matter,’ Bernie said, ‘the winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulka.’
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