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A massive collection of latest Free Bar and Drinking Jokes in english which will make you feel like drunk in alcoholic beverages. Here you will find funny, clean, short and one liners jokes about drinking of beer, alcohol & alcoholic beer in bar and drinking clubs. All who really fond of having fun in bar would enjoy this category. So check out our collection and do not forget to bookmark our website.
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Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar.
The first one says, “Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn’t bend
it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I
tried really hard.
“By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I’m gonna
be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand.”
“So”, says the second drunk, “What’s your point?”
“Well”, says the first, “I’m just wondering how much stronger I’m gonna get!”
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“My god! What happened to you?” the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on
a crutch, one arm in a cast.
“I got in a tiff with Riley.”
“Riley? He’s just a wee fellow,” the barkeep said, surprised. “He must have
had something in his hand.”
“Aye, that he did,” Kelly said. “A shovel it was.”
“Dear Lord, didn’t you have anything in YOUR hand?”
“Aye, that I did — Mrs. Riley’s tit.” Kelly said. “And a beautiful thing it
was, but not much use in a fight!”
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A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer,
he heard a soothing voice say, “Nice tie.”
Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty, except for himself and the
bartender at the end of the bar.
A few sips later, the voice said, “Beautiful shirt.”
At this, the man called the bartender over. “Hey, I must be losing my mind,”
he told the bartender. “I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and
there’s not a soul in here but us.”
“It’s the peanuts,” answered the bartender.
“Say what?” replied the man in disbelief.
“You heard me,” said the barkeep. “It’s the peanuts… they’re complimentary.”
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A man is out, driving happily along in his car late one
Saturday evening. Before too long, the cops pull him over.
The policeman walks up to the man and asks, “Have you
been drinking, sir?”
“Why? Was I weaving all over the road officer?”
“No,” replied, the policeman, “You were driving splendidly.
It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that gave you away.”
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A drunken guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks
her over.
He says, “You don’t feel so tough now, do you,Batman!?”
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A drunk is taking a leak right on the street.
A policeman says to him:
- You could have done it behind the corner!
- My dick is no fire hose, you know?
An international competition for the title of the manliest man comprised three
tests. Every participant must:
1. Drink in one gulp a bottle of vodka;
2. Walk into a cage and shake hands with a female bear,
and 3. to make love to a woman from a remote Siberian village who never in her
life took a bath.
A Frenchman drank all of the vodka, and dropped dead.
An Englishman drank vodka, then walked into the cage, and dropped dead when he
saw the female bear.
A Russian drank vodka, and walked into the cage. There was a noisy commotion,
and then the Russian walked out of the cage, buttoning his pants, and asked,
“Where is the woman to shake her hand?”
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A homeless man walks into a diner with enough change for a cup of coffee.
Seated next to him at the counter, was a well-dressed man with a bowl of
chili in front of him. A few minutes later, finishing his cup of coffee,
the homeless man begins to notice that the stranger next to him is not
eating his chili, but rather just staring at it, looking confused and
disoriented. Not having eaten in two days, the homeless man asks the
stranger: “Sir, I’m cold and hungry and haven’t eaten in days. If you’re
not going to eat your chili, do you mind if I have it?” With little
acknowledgement, the stranger simply shoves the bowl in his direction.
Minutes later, the homeless man, having nearly finished the entire bowl of
chili, discovers, in the bottom of the bowl – a small pile of dog turds.
Immediately, the homeless man becomes sick and vomits the chili back into
the bowl. Finally, the stranger seated next to him turned to him and said
“I know how you feel, buddy. That’s about as far as I got, too.”
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After a holiday, workers were coming back to work, and those who had already
been inside the workshop, greeted every new arrival walking in with the same
question, “Hey, pal, how have your holiday been?” And everybody would answer
proudly, “It was a beautiful celebration. I don’t remember a thing!”
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At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young
man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and
everything.
When he was served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his
fork, held it up and smirked: ‘Is this pig?’
Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: ‘Which end of
the fork are you referring to?’
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