Its All About Jokes

Newly issued alcohol warnings

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”

His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, ‘You as horny as I am?’ … and she always acts like she’s sound asleep!”

This old wino staggers into a bar and the barman immediately told him to get out. The tramp said that he would only leave if the barman gave him a cocktail stick. The barman, thinking this was a fair exchange, gladly gave the man a cocktail stick and watched him stagger back outside.
A minute later another old wino walked into the bar and got asked to leave by the barman. This drunk also demanded a cocktail stick if he was to leave quietly. There had been no trouble the first time so, once again, the barman obliged and the old drunk quietly left.
Soon after, a third wino came into the barman and without hesitation the barman offered him a cocktail stick to leave. This time though the drunk turned him down and said he would only leave if the barman gave him a drinking straw.
Curiosity finally got the better of the barman and he asked the old drunk why he wanted a drinking straw when the other two drunks had asked for cocktail sticks. The wino said “Well, someone was sick outside and all the lumpy bits have gone now!”

Q. What’s worse than finding a worm in the apple you’re eating?

A. Finding half a worm.

The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.

1. It’s an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don’t care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.

There is legend that goes like this: In a bar in New York there’s a magical mirror. If you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you one wish… but if you lie – POOF! – it swallows you up for eternity.

A brunette, redhead, and a blonde walk into that very bar – with a mission. They head straight for the magic mirror. The redhead goes first and says “I think I’m the most beautiful woman on Earth” POOF! – the mirror swallows her up and she’s gone for eternity.

The brunette goes up to the mirror and says “I think I’m the sexiest woman on Earth” POOF – now she’s gone too.

Lastly, the blonde goes up to the mirror says ” I think……..” – POOF!

The local pub was so sure that its landlord was the strongest man around that it offered a standing ?1,000 bet that no could beat him. The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.
Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and all had failed. Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.
After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar.
Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked “What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?”
“No” the man replied, “I work for the IRS.”

A lady went running to a doctor with a badly spoiled stomach.
“What did you eat for dinner last night?” asked the doctor.
“Oysters,” she said.
“Fresh oysters?” asked the doctor.
“How should I know?” said the lady
“Well,” asked the doctor, “couldn’t you tell when you took off the
shells?”
“My Gosh,” gasped the lady. “Are you supposed to take off the shells?”

A neutron walks into a bar. “I’d like a beer” he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
“How much will that be?” asks the neutron.
“For you?” replies the bartender, “no charge”