JokesArcade

One day after a long days work a man walks into a bar. He realizes that it’s a gay bar, but

decided to stay anyway. The bartender approaches and says what’s the name of your penis. The man

replies, “I’m not like that, I just want a drink,” The bartender says, “I can’t serve you until

you give the name of your penis. For example the name of my penis is Nike, for the slogan just do

it. I’ll come back in a few minutes.” So the man thinks and turns to the man on his left and asks

him the name of his penis. The man replies, “It’s Timex, it takes a licking and keeps on

ticking.” The man then turns to his right and asks him. He replies “It’s Ford. Have you driven a

ford lately?” The man thinks and then calls the bartender over. “I got a name, it’s Secret” Why

is it secret, asked the bartender? The man says “it’s strong enough for a man but made for a

woman”

The following is an actual excerpt from this month’s Forbe’s Magazine:

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it

is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good

for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even

improved by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through

which the electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive

intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

Thus, regular consumption of beer, wine etc., helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making

the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The result of this in-depth study verifies and

validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job related performance. It also

explains why, after a few short years of leaving a university and getting married, most

professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick

to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels

that they achieve during their college years.

So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge, we cannot shudder in

our homes. Get back into the bars. Quaff that pint. Your company and country need you to be at

your peak, and you shouldn’t deny yourself the career that you could have. Take life by the

bottle and be all that you can be. Forward this to all of your friends, acquaintances and

co-workers that may be in danger of losing their edge.

This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives him the drink and he drinks it.

Then he looks in his shirt pocket and orders another drink. He does the same thing with the

second drink and orders a third drink. The bartender pours the drink and says “listen pal I’ll

buy you drinks all night long if you tell me why you keep looking in your shirt pocket”. To this

the guy replies “I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good I know

I’ve had enough to drink and it’s time to go home”.

A man walks to the bartender and bets $100 that he can piss into a shot glass placed on the

opposite end of the bar and not spill a drop. The bartender takes the bet and sets up the shot

glass. The man then starts pissing all over the bar, not even close the shot glass.
The bartender starts jumping up and down, yelling “Yahoo!” Another man at the back of the bar

suddenly grabs a chair and, swearing loudly, smashes it against the wall. The bartender says,

“What’s with him?” The man replies, “Oh, I just bet him a thousand dollars that I could piss all

over your bar and make you happy.”

A husband, let’s call him Sam, and wife, let’s call her Judy, go to the doctor for the sake of

the husband and, after the doctor has fully examined Sam, comes out to talk with Judy about Sam’s

diagnosis.
“Whats the matter with my husband Doctor?”” Judy asks.
“”He has a condition that is incurable. But there is one thing you can do that may help him live

longer.”” the Doctor led on.
“”I’ll do anything

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After examining the

man he says,
“Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?”
The man gets really indignant and says, “Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are

glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?”

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, “what’ll you have?”
The man says, “Give me three pints of Guinness please.”
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the

other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I

can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.”

The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States.

We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my

brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the man came in and ordered three beers.

Then one week he came in and ordered only two.
He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, “I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m

sorry that one of your brothers died.”

The man said, “Oh, me brothers are fine—-I just quit drinking.”

A somewhat strange guy walks into a bar. The bartender notices him and watches as the man walks up to a group of men at a table and starts talking to them. The man then gets up and goes to the bartender and says…”I bet you $500 that I can piss in that shot glass on the back wall without spilling a drop.” The bartender, thinking he could make himself a quick $500 takes the bet. The man then unzips his pants and starts pissing all over the bartender and the bar. He pisses on everything but the shot glass. When he is finished the bartender says,” well I guess you owe me $500.” The man walks back over to the table and comes back and gives the bartender $500 the bartender then ask…”How did you get that money from them?” The man replies…”Well I just bet them $2,000 that I could piss all over you and your bar and you wouldn’t get mad.”

When it comes to wine I’m very particular about what I buy. There are two things I

look for before making my selection. First, the word “Wine” must appear

somewhere on the label. This is something I insist on. Second, I look for a sign

nearby that says “On Sale.” Follow these two rules and you won’t go far wrong.