JokesArcade

This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives him the drink and he drinks it.

Then he looks in his shirt pocket and orders another drink. He does the same thing with the

second drink and orders a third drink. The bartender pours the drink and says “listen pal I’ll

buy you drinks all night long if you tell me why you keep looking in your shirt pocket”. To this

the guy replies “I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good I know

I’ve had enough to drink and it’s time to go home”.

A man walks to the bartender and bets $100 that he can piss into a shot glass placed on the

opposite end of the bar and not spill a drop. The bartender takes the bet and sets up the shot

glass. The man then starts pissing all over the bar, not even close the shot glass.
The bartender starts jumping up and down, yelling “Yahoo!” Another man at the back of the bar

suddenly grabs a chair and, swearing loudly, smashes it against the wall. The bartender says,

“What’s with him?” The man replies, “Oh, I just bet him a thousand dollars that I could piss all

over your bar and make you happy.”

A husband, let’s call him Sam, and wife, let’s call her Judy, go to the doctor for the sake of

the husband and, after the doctor has fully examined Sam, comes out to talk with Judy about Sam’s

diagnosis.
“Whats the matter with my husband Doctor?”” Judy asks.
“”He has a condition that is incurable. But there is one thing you can do that may help him live

longer.”” the Doctor led on.
“”I’ll do anything

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After examining the

man he says,
“Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?”
The man gets really indignant and says, “Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are

glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?”

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, “what’ll you have?”
The man says, “Give me three pints of Guinness please.”
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the

other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I

can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.”

The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States.

We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my

brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the man came in and ordered three beers.

Then one week he came in and ordered only two.
He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, “I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m

sorry that one of your brothers died.”

The man said, “Oh, me brothers are fine—-I just quit drinking.”

A somewhat strange guy walks into a bar. The bartender notices him and watches as the man walks up to a group of men at a table and starts talking to them. The man then gets up and goes to the bartender and says…”I bet you $500 that I can piss in that shot glass on the back wall without spilling a drop.” The bartender, thinking he could make himself a quick $500 takes the bet. The man then unzips his pants and starts pissing all over the bartender and the bar. He pisses on everything but the shot glass. When he is finished the bartender says,” well I guess you owe me $500.” The man walks back over to the table and comes back and gives the bartender $500 the bartender then ask…”How did you get that money from them?” The man replies…”Well I just bet them $2,000 that I could piss all over you and your bar and you wouldn’t get mad.”

When it comes to wine I’m very particular about what I buy. There are two things I

look for before making my selection. First, the word “Wine” must appear

somewhere on the label. This is something I insist on. Second, I look for a sign

nearby that says “On Sale.” Follow these two rules and you won’t go far wrong.

A pig walks into the bar and asks for a pitcher of beer. He drank it all then asked

the bartender where the bathroom is. Bartender replies “down the hall and to the

left”.

Another pig walks into the bar and orders 2 pitchers of beer. He finishes them off

and then asks where the bathroom is. The bartender replies “down the hall and to

the left”.

Another pig walks into the bar and orders 3 pitchers of beer. Finishing them off he

was just going to stand up when the bartender asks him “well aren’t you going to

ask where the bathroom is?” The pig replies ” no, i am going to go wee wee wee

all the way home.”

Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten.
Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either.

So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of

him.

As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil

costume screaming, “Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya’ don’t give up you’re

drinkin’ and it’s to Hell I’ll take ye’”.

Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, “Who the hell ARE you?”.

Too that the Missus replied, “I’m the divil ya’ damned old fool”.

To which Flaherty remarked,
“Damned glad to meet you sir, I’m married to yer sister.”

A police officer pulls over this guy who’s been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy’s window and says, “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.

“The man says, “Sorry, officer, I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.”

“Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.”
“I can’t do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.”

“Well, then, we need a urine sample.”
“I’m sorry, officer, I can’t do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I’ll get really low blood sugar.”

“All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.”
“I can’t do that, officer.”

“Why not?”
“Because I’m drunk.”