Its All About Jokes

Funny & Short Birthday jokes 40th|50th|60th| Happy Birthday Jokes & Wishes

Home – A – Age Jokes ‘That’s an excellent essay for someone your age,’ said the English teacher. ‘How about for someone my Mum’s age, Miss?’ ‘Welcome to school, Simon,’ said the nursery school teacher to the new boy. ‘How old are you?’ ‘I’m not old,’ said Simon. ‘I’m nearly new.’ Miss Jones agreed to be interviewed by Fred for the school magazine. ‘How old are you, ma’am?’ asked Fred. ‘I’m not going to tell you that,’ she replied. ‘But Mr Hill the technical teacher and Mr Hill the geography teacher told me how old they were.’ ‘Oh well,’ said Miss Jones. ‘I’m the same age as both of them.’ The poor teacher was not happy when she saw what Fred wrote: Miss Jones, our English teacher, confided in me that she was as old as the Hills. ‘Now remember, boys and girls,’ said the science teacher, ‘you can tell a tree’s age by counting the rings in a cross section. One ring for each year.’ Fred went home for tea and found a chocolate roll on the table. ‘I’m not eating that, Mum!’ she said. ‘It’s five years old.’ Grandma: You’ve left all your crusts, Fred. When I was your age I ate every one. Fred: Do you still like crusts, Grandma? Grandma: Yes, I do. Fred: Well, you can have mine. How old is your wife? Approaching forty. From which direction? An eminent old man was being interviewed, and was asked if it was correct that he had just celebrated his ninety-ninth birthday. `That’s right,’ said the old man. `Ninety-nine years old, and I haven’t an enemy in the world. They’re all dead.’ `Well, sir,’ said the interviewer, `I hope very much to have the honour of interviewing you on your hundredth birthday.’ The old man looked at the young man closely, and said, `I can’t see why you shouldn’t. You look fit and healthy to me!’

This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn’t feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.” I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.

My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn’t say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o’clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your Birthday, why don’t we go out for lunch, just you and me.” I said, “Thanks, Joanne, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”

We went to lunch but not where we’d normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t have to go right back to the office, do we?” I replied with “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”

After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, “Boss if you don’t mind, I’m goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.” “Ok.” I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.

And I just sat there…

On the couch…

Naked.

3 gurls wanted a 1 guy each for their b-day so the mom got them wut they wanted

she went to the first room heared giggling, knocked on the door ” why are u giggling?” the gurl replied ” cause it tickles”

went to the 2 room heared crying,knocked, asked ” why are u crying?”
the gurl replied ” cause it hurts”

went to the 3 room heared nothing, knocked, asked “why is it so quiet?”
the gurl replied ” cause u talt me not to talk with my mouth full!!”

Fred: Have you noticed that your mother smells a bit funny these days? Harry: No. Why? Fred: Well, your sister told me she was giving her a bottle of toilet water for her birthday.

A wife was begining to worry about her and her husbands non-existant sex life. So one afternoon the woman decided to ask her friend for some advice on how to put the spark back into her marriage.

Her friend gave her some advice that always worked with her own husband. She told the woman that every day before her husband was due back home from work, she puts on her birthday suit and waits at the top of the stairs for him to arrive. when he does, he sees her and cannot resist her and they have wild passionate sex.

The woman ran home and immediately, put on her birthday suit and waited at the top of the stairs for her husband. Within time her husband arrived through the door, looked at her and said “what on earth are you doing?”

The wife replied “it’s my birthday suit, don’t you like it?”

The husband responded “you could have ironed it first”
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A middle aged woman went shopping one day for a birthday present for her husband. Since their sex life had been less than satisfactory for several years, see wanted to get something to spice it up.
She went through store after store in the mall, but could find nothing she wanted. She sat down on a bench and broke out into tears.
After a few minutes she looked up and noticed that she was sitting in front of a pet shop. To pick up her spirits, she decided to go in and see the puppies and kittens. She wandered around the shop for fifteen minutes and felt better. On the way out a clerk saw her and said “Did you see anything you liked, ma’am?”
The lady explained to the clerk that she was searching for that perfect present for her husband.
The clerk said “wait right her, I think I have the perfect gift for your husband.” She went to the back room and came back with a beautiful teak box.
She opened the box and showed her a frog. The lady said “I don’t think my husband wants a frog.”
The clerk told her this was a speacial kind of frog found only in the deepest forest jungles of South America..it only purpose in life was to give oral pleasure to men.
She said all the man had to do was say “FROGGIE SUCK” and the frog would do so. The woman had always been adverse to giving her husband oral pleasure and was quite intriged by the idea. She asked the clerk how much.
The clerk replied “500 dollars”. The woman did not want to pay that much, but the clerk offered a money-back guarantee, so she bought it.
That evening, after a gourmet dinner and the finest wine and liquers, the wife presented her husband with his present. He opened the box and exclaimed “What the hell is this??”
The wife explained what the frog could do so her husband calmed down and said it might be a good idea after all.
They retired to their bedroom.
After ten minutes the husband could’t wait any longer, so he yelled :FROGGIE SUCK”. The frog jumped out of the box and onto the bed and gave the man the best blowjob he had ever had in his life! Fifteen minutes later the man yelled out again with the same result. His wife was pleased so she told him to take the frog to the guest bedroom so she could get some sleep.
About 5 AM she awoke and heard pots and pans clanking in the kitchen. She said “Honey why are you making so much noise down there?”
Her husband replied “As soon as I can teach this frog to cook, we’re getting the hell out of here!

It‘s my wife‘s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.

‘Oh, I don‘t know ,‘ she said . ‘Just give me something with diamonds.

That‘s why I‘m giving her a pack of playing cards.

‘Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.’ ‘Next time, take off the candles.’

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, John! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh, no,” says John. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks John if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,”How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around John, and says “Hi Johnny. Want your usual table dance, big boy?” John’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

John follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real b*tch tonight, John.”