JokesArcade

Why didn’t you give me anything for my birthday?

BoyFriend: Why didn’t you give me anything for my birthday?

GirlFriend: You told me to surprise you.

This SMS will EXPLODE in 5 seconds….
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(((((BOOM))) ))
“*”*”*”*”*”*”
*”*”HAPPY”*”*
“*”BIRTHDAY”*”
….*”*”*….

Brendan Behan told the story of how he got a job in London with a street repair gang. The first job he went to they were down in a hole singing Happy Birthday around the foreman. “Is it the foreman’s birthday?” asked Brendan.

“No, Brendan. It’s the third anniversary of the hole.”

MAY U B WOT U HOPE TO B, C ALL U WANT TO C… DO ALL WOT U WANT TO MAY YR EVERY WISH COMES TRUE… “A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO U”

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, John! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh, no,” says John. “He’s on my bowling team.”

Home – A – Age Jokes ‘That’s an excellent essay for someone your age,’ said the English teacher. ‘How about for someone my Mum’s age, Miss?’ ‘Welcome to school, Simon,’ said the nursery school teacher to the new boy. ‘How old are you?’ ‘I’m not old,’ said Simon. ‘I’m nearly new.’ Miss Jones agreed to be interviewed by Fred for the school magazine. ‘How old are you, ma’am?’ asked Fred. ‘I’m not going to tell you that,’ she replied. ‘But Mr Hill the technical teacher and Mr Hill the geography teacher told me how old they were.’ ‘Oh well,’ said Miss Jones. ‘I’m the same age as both of them.’ The poor teacher was not happy when she saw what Fred wrote: Miss Jones, our English teacher, confided in me that she was as old as the Hills. ‘Now remember, boys and girls,’ said the science teacher, ‘you can tell a tree’s age by counting the rings in a cross section. One ring for each year.’ Fred went home for tea and found a chocolate roll on the table. ‘I’m not eating that, Mum!’ she said. ‘It’s five years old.’ Grandma: You’ve left all your crusts, Fred. When I was your age I ate every one. Fred: Do you still like crusts, Grandma? Grandma: Yes, I do. Fred: Well, you can have mine. How old is your wife? Approaching forty. From which direction? An eminent old man was being interviewed, and was asked if it was correct that he had just celebrated his ninety-ninth birthday. `That’s right,’ said the old man. `Ninety-nine years old, and I haven’t an enemy in the world. They’re all dead.’ `Well, sir,’ said the interviewer, `I hope very much to have the honour of interviewing you on your hundredth birthday.’ The old man looked at the young man closely, and said, `I can’t see why you shouldn’t. You look fit and healthy to me!’

This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn’t feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.” I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.

My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn’t say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o’clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your Birthday, why don’t we go out for lunch, just you and me.” I said, “Thanks, Joanne, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”

We went to lunch but not where we’d normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t have to go right back to the office, do we?” I replied with “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”

After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, “Boss if you don’t mind, I’m goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.” “Ok.” I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.

And I just sat there…

On the couch…

Naked.

3 gurls wanted a 1 guy each for their b-day so the mom got them wut they wanted

she went to the first room heared giggling, knocked on the door ” why are u giggling?” the gurl replied ” cause it tickles”

went to the 2 room heared crying,knocked, asked ” why are u crying?”
the gurl replied ” cause it hurts”

went to the 3 room heared nothing, knocked, asked “why is it so quiet?”
the gurl replied ” cause u talt me not to talk with my mouth full!!”

Fred: Have you noticed that your mother smells a bit funny these days? Harry: No. Why? Fred: Well, your sister told me she was giving her a bottle of toilet water for her birthday.

A wife was begining to worry about her and her husbands non-existant sex life. So one afternoon the woman decided to ask her friend for some advice on how to put the spark back into her marriage.

Her friend gave her some advice that always worked with her own husband. She told the woman that every day before her husband was due back home from work, she puts on her birthday suit and waits at the top of the stairs for him to arrive. when he does, he sees her and cannot resist her and they have wild passionate sex.

The woman ran home and immediately, put on her birthday suit and waited at the top of the stairs for her husband. Within time her husband arrived through the door, looked at her and said “what on earth are you doing?”

The wife replied “it’s my birthday suit, don’t you like it?”

The husband responded “you could have ironed it first”
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