JokesArcade

A middle aged woman went shopping one day for a birthday present for her husband. Since their sex life had been less than satisfactory for several years, see wanted to get something to spice it up.
She went through store after store in the mall, but could find nothing she wanted. She sat down on a bench and broke out into tears.
After a few minutes she looked up and noticed that she was sitting in front of a pet shop. To pick up her spirits, she decided to go in and see the puppies and kittens. She wandered around the shop for fifteen minutes and felt better. On the way out a clerk saw her and said “Did you see anything you liked, ma’am?”
The lady explained to the clerk that she was searching for that perfect present for her husband.
The clerk said “wait right her, I think I have the perfect gift for your husband.” She went to the back room and came back with a beautiful teak box.
She opened the box and showed her a frog. The lady said “I don’t think my husband wants a frog.”
The clerk told her this was a speacial kind of frog found only in the deepest forest jungles of South America..it only purpose in life was to give oral pleasure to men.
She said all the man had to do was say “FROGGIE SUCK” and the frog would do so. The woman had always been adverse to giving her husband oral pleasure and was quite intriged by the idea. She asked the clerk how much.
The clerk replied “500 dollars”. The woman did not want to pay that much, but the clerk offered a money-back guarantee, so she bought it.
That evening, after a gourmet dinner and the finest wine and liquers, the wife presented her husband with his present. He opened the box and exclaimed “What the hell is this??”
The wife explained what the frog could do so her husband calmed down and said it might be a good idea after all.
They retired to their bedroom.
After ten minutes the husband could’t wait any longer, so he yelled :FROGGIE SUCK”. The frog jumped out of the box and onto the bed and gave the man the best blowjob he had ever had in his life! Fifteen minutes later the man yelled out again with the same result. His wife was pleased so she told him to take the frog to the guest bedroom so she could get some sleep.
About 5 AM she awoke and heard pots and pans clanking in the kitchen. She said “Honey why are you making so much noise down there?”
Her husband replied “As soon as I can teach this frog to cook, we’re getting the hell out of here!

It‘s my wife‘s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.

‘Oh, I don‘t know ,‘ she said . ‘Just give me something with diamonds.

That‘s why I‘m giving her a pack of playing cards.

‘Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.’ ‘Next time, take off the candles.’

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, John! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh, no,” says John. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks John if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,”How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around John, and says “Hi Johnny. Want your usual table dance, big boy?” John’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

John follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real b*tch tonight, John.”

man1:’’ I got my wife a vcp’’
man2:’’Don’t you mean a vcr”?
man1:”No, a vcp….. very cheap present!

The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep. ‘Excuse me for disturbing you, ma’am,’ he said politely, ‘but I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I’ve noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread.’ ‘That’s right.’ ‘Every day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake.’ ‘Well, today is his birthday.’

It was Jim’s birthday, and he was considered to be an “old man” by his friends standards. So, to liven him up a bit, Jim’s friends decided to give him something special for his birthday. They bought him a hooker.

The call girl, as she preferred to be called, went to his house and knocked on the door. When Jim answered, she said “Hi I’m your birthday present!”

Startled, he asked “What am I supposed to do with you?”

“I’m yours for super sex,” she answers.

So Jim replied “Well, I’m 75 years old so I’ll have the soup.”

Brunette: Today is my niece’s birthday. Do you wanna come to her party?

Blonde: What day is today?

Brunette: January 11.

Blonde: Oh I’m sorry for your niece.

Brunette: What, why?

Blonde: Since her birthday is in January, she has to wait a whole year til her next birthday.

Q: What do you give 900-pound gorilla for his birthday?
A: I don‘t know, but you‘d better hope he likes it!

It was Grandpa Jones 100th birthday and he was still in
It was Grandpa Jones’ 100th birthday and he was still in perfect health. At his birthday party he was asked how he managed to live so long and stay so fit. He explained ‘I put my long life down to spending so much time out of doors. I’ve been in the open air, day after day, rain or shine, for the last 75th years.’ ‘How do you manage to keep up such a rigorous fitness regime?’ we asked. ‘It’s simple’ he said. ‘When I married my wife 75 years ago, we both made solemn pledge on our wedding night. We agreed that whenever we ever had a fight, whoever was proved wrong would go outside and take long walk.’