JokesArcade

One Christmas, Santa was having a really bad day. The local elves union was up in arms over their contract and were threatening a walk-out. Mrs. Clause was pissed that Santa was never around to appreciate all of the hard work she had been doing around the house. Santa decided he needed to go home, sit in front of a fire and relax.

When he got there, Miss Clause was all up in his face and wouldn’t let down. Then, there was a knock on the door. It was Rudolph. He said the reindeer were sick and tired of Santa not upgrading to the new lightweight sliegh and they were joining the elves walkout. Santa slammed the door and threatend “The next person who knocks on that door is gonna get it!”

At that time, there was a knock on the door. Santa flung the door open and there stood a tiny little angel. The angel had been searching for the perfect Christmas tree for Santa’s house all day long, until it found the perfect one. The little angel asked, “Santa, I was wondering where you would like me to stick this tree?”

And that is the story of how the angel atop the tree tradition began.

Alex was five; all his Christmas presents were always signed, ‘from Father Christmas.‘

A little while after Alex had opened all his presents on Christmas morning, we became aware that he was looking quite down in the mouth for no obvious…

NORTH POLE (API) – MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa’s summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.

The announcement also included a notice that beginning December 9, 1997, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court. Microsoft stated its commitment to ‘all who have made Christmas great,’ and vowed to ‘make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all.’ It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict.

When asked ‘Why buy Christmas?’ Bill Gates replied ‘Microsoft has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We’ll use it first for the next release of Windows and Office 98.’

In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas 97 trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal.

Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, ‘The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft Organization. This will take some time, so don’t expect any changes this year.’ She continued, ‘our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 98. It will be bigger and better than last year.’ She further elaborated that ‘Windows 95 users who sign up with MS Network will get sneak previews of Christmas[98] as early as November first.’

Christmas 97 is scheduled for release in December of 1997, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of 1998. An economist at Goldman-Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year’s economy and the nation’s tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. ‘But it could be good in the long term,’ he explained. ‘With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year.’

When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that ‘Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good long-term business,’ suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans.

Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was ‘sizable, even for a man of Santa’s stature.’ Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year ’round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond.

A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached for comment.

In all my years, there is one thing I’ve learned about the Christmas holidays! LIQUOR WORKS BETTER THAN MISTLETOE . . . .

Where do snowmen dance?
At a snowball.

Christian Christmas JokeWhy Jesus is Better Than Santa Claus

Santa Claus lives at the North Pole…
JESUS is everywhere.

Santa Claus rides in a sleigh…
JESUS rides on the wind and walks on the water.

Santa Claus comes but once a year…
JESUS is an ever present help.

Santa Claus fills your stockings with goodies…
JESUS supplies all your needs.

Santa Claus comes down your chimney uninvited… JESUS stands at your door and knocks, and then enters your heart when invited.

You have to wait in line to see Santa Claus…
JESUS is as close as the mention of His name.

Santa Claus lets you sit on his lap…
JESUS lets you rest in His arms.

Santa Claus doesn’t know your name, all he can say is “Hi little boy (or girl,) what’s your name?”…
JESUS knew our name before we did. Not only does He know our name, He knows our address too. He knows our history and future and He even knows how many hairs are on our heads.

Santa Claus has a belly like a bowl full of jelly…
JESUS has a heart full of love.

All Santa Claus can offer is HO HO HO…
JESUS offers health, help and hope.

Santa Claus says “You better not cry”…
JESUS says “Cast all your cares on me for I care for you.”

Santa’s little helpers make toys…
JESUS makes new life, mends wounded hearts, repairs broken homes and builds mansions.

Santa Claus is a “jolly old elf”…
JESUS is the King of Kings.

Santa Claus may make you chuckle but…
JESUS gives you joy that is your strength.

While Santa Claus puts gifts under your tree…
JESUS became our gift and died on a tree.

Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone,
In a one bedroom house made of plaster & stone.
I had come down the chimney with presents to give
And to see just who in this home did live.

I looked all about a strange sight I did see,
No tinsel, no presents, not even a tree.
No stocking by the fire, just boots filled with sand,
On the wall hung pictures of far distant lands.
With medals and badges, awards of all kind
A sober thought came through my mind.
For this house was different, so dark and dreary,
I knew I had found the home of a soldier, once I could see clearly.

I heard stories about them, I had to see more
So I walked down the hall and pushed open the door.
And there he lay sleeping silent alone,
Curled up on the floor in his one bedroom home.
His face so gentle, his room in such disorder,
Not how I pictured a United States soldier.

Was this the hero of whom I’d just read?
Curled up in his poncho, a floor for his bed?
His head was clean shaven, his weathered face tan,
I soon understood this was more than a man.
For I realized the families that I saw that night
Owed their lives to these men who were willing to fight.
Soon ’round the world, the children would play,
And grownups would celebrate on a bright Christmas day.
They all enjoyed freedom each month of the year,
Because of soldiers like this one lying here.
I couldn’t help wonder how many lay alone
On a cold Christmas Eve in a land far from home.
Just the very thought brought a tear to my eye,
I dropped to my knees and started to cry.
The soldier awakened and I heard a rough voice,
“Santa don’t cry, this life is my choice;
I fight for freedom, I don’t ask for more,
my life is my God, my country, my Corps.”

With that he rolled over and drifted off into sleep,
I couldn’t control it, I continued to weep.
I watched him for hours, so silent and still,
I noticed he shivered from the cold night’s chill.
So I took off my jacket, the one made of red,
And I covered this Soldier from his toes to his head.
And I put on his T-shirt of gray and black,
With an eagle and an Army patch embroidered on back.
And although it barely fit me, I began to swell with pride,
And for a shining moment, I was United States Army deep inside.

I didn’t want to leave him on that cold dark night,
This guardian of honor so willing to fight.
Then the soldier rolled over, whispered with a voice so clean and pure,
“Carry on Santa, it’s Christmas Day, all is secure.”

One look at my watch, and I knew he was right,
Merry Christmas my friend, and to all a good night!

Chorus: The first thing at Christmas that‘s such a pain to me Is

ONE: Finding a Christmas tree. ****

TWO —- Husband (2): Rigging up the lights, Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

THREE —— The third thing at Christmas that‘s such a…

‘Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I’d nibbled, the eggnog I’d taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I’d remember the marvelous meals I’d prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The punch and the candy, the bread and the cheese
And the way I’d not said, ‘No thank you, please.’
As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt—
I said to myself, as I only can
‘You can’t spend a winter disguised as a man!’
So–away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
‘Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won’t have a cookie–not even a lick.
I’ll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won’t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore—
But isn’t that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

’Twas the Night after Christmas

’Twas the night after Christmas, and boy, what a house!
I felt like the devil, and so did my spouse.

The eggnog and turkey and candy were swell,
But ten hours later they sure gave me hell.

The stockings weren’t hung by the chimney with care.
The darn things were sprawled on the back of a chair.

The children were nestled all snug in their bed,
And I had a large cake of ice on my head.

When at long last I dozed off in a nap,
The ice woke me up as it fell in my lap.

For some unknown reason I wanted a drink,
So I started in feeling my way to the sink.

I got along fine ’til I stepped on the cat.
I cannot recall what occurred after that.

When I came to, the house was all flooded with light,
Although under the table I was high as a kite.

While visions of sugar plums danced in my head,
I somehow got up and climbed back into bed.

Then what to my wandering mind should appear,
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer.

Then the sleigh seemed to change to a mammoth fire truck,
And each reindeer turned into a bleary-eyed buck.

I knew in a moment it must be old Nick.
I tried to cry out, but my tongue was too thick.

The old devil whistled and shouted with glee,
While each buck pawed the earth and looked daggers at me.

Then he called them by name and the names made me shudder.

When I heard them I felt like a ship minus rudder.

“Now Eggnog! Bacardi! Four Roes! and Brandy!
Now Fruit Cake! Cold Turkey! Gin Rickey! and Candy!

To the top of his house, to the top of his skull,
Now whack away, crack it with thumps that are dull!”

And then in a twinkling I felt on my roof
The prancing and pawing of each cloven hoof.

How long this went on I am sure I can’t say,
Though it seemed an eternity plus a long day.

But finally the night after Christmas had passed,
And I found that I really could think straight at last.

So I thought of the New Year and few days away,
And I made me a vow that no tempter can sway.

I’m sticking to water, don’t even want ice,
For there’s nothing so tasty, or nothing so nice.

The night after New Year may bother some guys,
But I’ve learned my lesson, and brother, I’m wise.

You can have your rich food, and your liquor that’s red,
But what goes to my stomach won’t go to my head.

So here’s “Happy New Year” to you one and all.
I’m back on the wagon. I hope I don’t fall.