JokesArcade

A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth when he
noticed his four-year-old son standing at the fence with wide eyes, taking in
the whole event. The man thought to himself, “Great, he’s four years old and I’m
gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees now. No need to jump the gun.
I guess I’ll let him ask and then I’ll answer.”
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, “Well son,
do you have any questions?”
“Just one,” gasped the wide-eyed lad. “How fast was that calf going when he
hit that cow?”

The doctor had just completed his examination of the
gorgeous redhaired beauty.
“I would suggest to you, young lady,” began the medic,
as he regained som of his professional dignity,
“that you discontinue some of your running around.
Stop drinking so much, cut down on your smoking, and
above all you will have to start eating properly and
getting to bed early.”
Then, as a pleasant afterthought, he added: “Why not
have dinner with me tonight? I’ll see to it that you
have the proper food and that you’ll be in bed by 9:00!”

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”

“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Lucky 13, that’s just how many shocking comments this physician claimed his patients actually made while he was performing their colonoscopies. Enjoy! (Not referring to a colonoscopy that is…)

1. “Take it easy Doc, you’re boldly going where no man has gone before!”
2. “Find Amelia Earhart yet?”
3. “Can you hear me NOW?”
4. “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”
5. “You know in Arkansas we’re now legally married.”
6. “Any sign of the trapped miners Chief?”
7. “You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…”
8. “Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!”
9. “If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!”
10. “Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”
11. “You used to be an executive at Enron didn’t you?”
12. “God, Now I know why I am not gay.”
13. “Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is in fact not up there.” (our favorite)

Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.

Doctor: How do you feel?

Patient: A little down in the mouth.

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old crone, entered the
doctor’s office. “We have come for an examination” said the young girl.
“Alright,” said the doctor. “Go behind that curtain and take your clothes
off.”
“No, not me” said the girl. “it’s my old aunt here.”
“Very well,” said the doctor. “Madam, please stick out your tongue.”

The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of
the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors
work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to
ICU, where therapy continues.

In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg’s physician comes into his
room and says, “Sol, I’m happy to tell you that you are
completely well. You have the heart function that you did when
you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We’re going to send you home
tomorrow. You don’t have to worry about your heart; do any
physical exercise that you like.”

Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his
wife: “Doris, you’ll never believe it: I’m completely well. I have no
worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to
make love like you’ve never had before, wild, passionate
sex….you’ll love it!”

Doris thinks for a minute and says, “I don’t know, Sol. I’ve heard
about active sex and heart conditions. I don’t want it to be on
my head if you croak while we are making love. Maybe, just
maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything
was OK… maybe I would have such sex with you….”

Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his
doctor’s office; his doctor tells him, “Sure, sure, Sol, no
problem, I’ll write the note. Let’s see, here’s my prescription
pad: “Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart
function of a fifteen-year-old lad and can have mad, passionate,
adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron
Katz……. Now, I’ll just address this…….By the way, Sol, what’s
your wife’s first name?”

“Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, ‘To Whom It May
Concern”?

An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

“Hit him again,” the child said. “He shouldn’t have crawled up there in the first place!!”

I’ve never had any major surgery so I consider myself pretty lucky, however not everyone can say that. I get scared just thinking about going under the knife, and if I ever did – these are 10 things that I surely don’t want to hear my doctor say…

* Has anyone seen my watch?
* Come back with that! Bad Dog!
* Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
* Hand me that… uh… thingy over there.
* What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change!
* Damn, there go the lights again…
* Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
* What do you mean, he’s not insured?
* Let’s hurry, I don’t want to miss “Bay Watch”

And the number one thing I don’t want to her my doctor say during surgery…

* Oops!

I am always getting those return address labels from charities wanting money.

The other day, I got one from an Alzheimer’s group. Funny though, they forgot to put my street name on them!