JokesArcade

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to
a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and
her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then
asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.
The man said “this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection
which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what
you could give me for it?”
The pharmacist said “Just a minute, I’ll go talk to my sister.”
When she returned, she said, “the best we can do is 1/3
ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses.”

A distraught patient phoned her doctor’s office. Was it true, the woman wanted to know, that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest of her life? She was told that it was. There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’”.

A man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing isn’t as good as it used to be. What should I do?”

The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.”

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey?

He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Still, no answer.

Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” She replies, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!”

“Doctor, Doctor, You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking!”
“Do you drink a lot?”
“Not really – I spill most of it!”

A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging. Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams? Patient: Why? Docor, it wasn’t all that bad this time. Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don’t want to miss the four o’clock ball game.

For year’s years they told me,
“Be careful of your breasts.
Don’t ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests.”

So I heeded all their warnings
And protected them by law…
Guarded them very carefully,
And always wore a bra.

After 30 years of careful care,
The Doctor found a lump,
He ordered up a Mammogram
To look inside that clump.

“Stand up very close,” she said,
as she got my tit in line,
“And tell me when it hurts,” she said,
Ah yes!There! Thats just fine.”

She stepped upon a pedal…
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate was pressing down…
My Boob was in a vice!!

My skin was stretched’n stretched
From way up by my chin,
And my poor tit was being squashed
To Swedish pancake thin!!

Excruciating pain I felt,
Within its vice-like grip,
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!

“Take a deep breath,” she said to me.
Who does she think she’s kidding?
My chest is smashed in her machine,
I can’t breathe and woozy I am getting.

“There, that was good,” I heard her say
As the room was slowly swaying,
“Now lets get the other one,”
“Lord, have mercy,” I was praying.

It squeezed me from the up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides,
I’ll bet she’s never had this done
to her tender little hide!

If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now…
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have popped-Ker-Pow!!

This machine was made by man,
Of this I have no doubt…
I’d like to get his balls in there,
For months he’d go “WITHOUT”!!

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.
Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No
one will answer.

Then there’s the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his balls.

The dentist says, “Madam, I believe you’ve got a hold of my privates.”

The woman replies, “Yes. We’re going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren’t we.”

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but alw ays promised not to take a case if he felt he couldn’t help. The Browns came into see the successful doctor and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests. Finally, he concluded, “Yes, I am happy to say that I can help you.”

“On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife’s love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.

“Then next, ma’am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.” The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.

They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news. “I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.”

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, “You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please, help us.”

“Well, all right”, the doctor said. “On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios… “

“Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade.”
“Don’t panic, I’m coming immediately. Have you done anything yet ?”
“Yea, I shaved with the electric razor.”