JokesArcade

A real man is a woman’s best friend.

He will never stand her up and never let her down.

He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires.

He will make sure she always feels as though she’s the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible……

No wait… sorry… I’m thinking of gin, never mind.

There is a famous quote that Education makes an animal a human being. Education is the biggest difference between animals and human beings. Mostly illiterate people said that education is a joke, however, It has been proven in today’s world that it is necessary for every human being either it’s male or female.

No person can achieve success and prosperity in life without education. Jokes about education are very popular among kids and students. They usually love to cracks jokes on education because their earlier life is exhausted around it. Therefore we have gather an immense collection of educational jokes including education jokes, special education jokes, funny education jokes, higher education jokes, physical education jokes, clean education jokes, educational joke, educator jokes and much more. Here you will all jokes about education. Go ahead!!

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
“Why?” asks the father.
“The teacher asked ‘How much is 2×3?’ and I said ’6′”
“But that’s right!”
“Then she asked me ‘How much is 3×2?’”
“What’s the fucking difference?”
“That’s exactly what I said!”

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years
by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known
as “Bonkistry.” He has been around forever, so I wouldn’t put it past
him to come up with something like this. Anyway, one year there were
these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all
of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the
final they had a solid A.

These two friends were so confident going into the final that the
weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday),
they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there.
So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers
and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to
Duke until early monday morning. Rather than taking the final then,
what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to
him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVa
for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that
they had a flat tire on the way back and didn’t have a spare and
couldn’t get help for a long time and so were late getting back to
campus. Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up
the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved.

So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that
Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of
them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first
problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was
worth 5 points. “Cool” they thought, “this is going to be easy.” They
did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared,
however, for what they saw on the next page. It said:

(95 points) Which tire?

SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

Dormitory == Dirty Room

Desperation == A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code == Here Come Dots

Slot Machines == Cash Lost in ‘em

Animosity == Is No Amity

Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z’s

Alec Guinness == Genuine Class

Semolina == Is No Meal

The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point == I’m a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes == That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one

Contradiction == Accord not in it

This one’s amazing: [From Hamlet by Shakespeare]

To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.

Becomes:

In one of the Bard’s best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.

And the grand finale:

“That’s one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.” — Neil A. Armstrong

becomes:

A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!

A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, “Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.”

The mother exclaimed, “But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?”

The little girl replied, “My homework.”

THE DEAN
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God

THE DEPARTMENT HEAD
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Talks with God

PROFESSOR
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if a special request is honored

ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR
Barely clears a quonset hut
Loses tug of war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occassionally addressed by God

ASSISTANT PROFESSOR
Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings
Is run over by locomotives
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Treads water
Talks to animals

INSTRUCTOR
Climbs walls continually
Rides the rails
Plays Russian Roulette
Walks on thin ice
Prays a lot

GRADUATE STUDENT
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
Talks to walls

UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings
Says “Look at the choo-choo”
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself

DEPARTMENT SECRETARY
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
She IS God.

TEACHER: Well, at least there’s one thing I can say about your son.
FATHER: What’s that?
TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn’t be cheating.

Eye Halve a Spelling Chequer Eye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite Its rarely ever wrong. Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect in it’s weigh My chequer tolled me sew. — Sauce unknown