JokesArcade

The parents were very disappointed in the grades that their son brought home. “The only consolation I can find in these awful grades,” lamented the father, “is that I know he never cheated during his exams.”

Dear Mother and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss
in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having
written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on,
please sit down. YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN. OKAY!

Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the
concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it
caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only get
those sick headaches once a day.

Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant
at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire
department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since
I had nowhere to live, because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enough
to invite me to share his apartment with him. It’s really a basement room,
but it’s kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in
love and are planning to be married. We haven’t set the exact date yet, but
it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward
to being grrandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the
love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason
for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection
which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests and I carelessly
caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections
I am taking daily.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and
although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different
race and religion than ours, I know your oft expressed tolerance will not
permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker
than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is
good too, for I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer in the
village in Africa from which he came.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was
no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was
not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do not have
syphillis and there is no man (of any color) in my life. However, I am getting
a ‘D’ in History and an ‘F’ in Science and I wanted you to see those marks
in the proper perspective.

Yours-
Your Loving Daughter

TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can’t fool me,
Teacher… snakes don’t have feet.

Q: How many letters are there in the alphabet?

A: Twenty-four, because E.T. went home.

Q: What do you call Santa’s Helpers?

A: Subordinate clauses!

Q: What does Santa call his wife at tax time?

A: A dependent Claus.

A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A+.

Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, “What changed your mind about learning math?”

The son looked at mom and dad and said, “Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher’s desk and I knew they meant business.”

Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about
going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you
young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust
me: these are closely related to college.)

College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly
two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand
hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time
sleeping and trying to get dates.
Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:

* Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These
include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and
crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas.

* Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours).
These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology,
- – -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these
things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them.
If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay
in college for the rest of your life.

It’s very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was
in college, I had to memorize — don’t ask me why — the names of
three metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to
forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were
named Vaughan and Crashaw. Sometimes, when I’m trying to remember
something important like whether my wife told me to get tuna packed
in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in
my mind, right there in the supermarket. It’s a terrible waste of
brain cells.

After you’ve been in college for a year or so, you’re supposed to
choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and
forget the most things about. Here is a very important piece of
advice: Be sure to choose a major that does not involve Known Facts
and Right Answers.

This means you must *not* major in mathematics, physics, biology,
or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual facts. If, for
example, you major in mathematics, you’re going to wander into class
one day and the professor will say: “Define the cosine integer of
the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your result
to five significant vertices.” If you don’t come up with *exactly*
the answer the professor has in mind, you fail. The same is true of
chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen
combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He wants you to
come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have
agreed on. Scientists are extremely snotty about this.

So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy,
psychology, and sociology — subjects in which nobody really
understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve
virtually no actual facts. I attended classes in all these
subjects, so I’ll give you a quick overview of each:

ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have
read little snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to
get good grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a
book that anybody with any common sense would say. For example,
suppose you are studying Moby-Dick. Anybody with any common sense
would say that Moby-Dick is a big white whale, since the characters
in the book refer to it as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand
times. So in *your* paper, *you* say Moby-Dick is actually the
Republic of Ireland. Your professor, who is sick to death of
reading papers and never liked Moby-Dick anyway, will think you are
enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic
interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English.

PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and
deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch.
You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs.

PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams.
Psychologists are *obsessed* with rats and dreams. I once spent an
entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain
sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing. The rat
learned much faster. My roommate is now a doctor.

If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats,
you should major in psychology.

SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and
away the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of
sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never
once heard or read a coherent statement. This is because
sociologists want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of
their time translating simple, obvious observations into
scientific-sounding code. If you plan to major in sociology, you’ll
have to learn to do the same thing. For example, suppose you have
observed that children cry when they fall down. You should write:
“Methodological observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies
of prematurated isolates indicates that a casual relationship exists
between groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or ‘crying,’ behavior
forms.” If you can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will
get a large government grant.

How many letters are there in the alphabet?

Noel, noel, noel, noel … the angels did say…

E.T. went home.

Get rid of X. There’s too many unknowns in the world already!

(Only one vowel left, or is that “Anly ana vawal laft” This may be stretching it a bit, but not unless you consider, as our good friends in Canada say: Good day, A!

And we all know that M&Ms melt in your mouth, so it’s safe to count them out.

And of course, Y not.

We might as well put off using U until later in the year: See U in September

TWA just took off!!

I dreamt last night that I went to Heaven, and I met St. Peter at the Pearly
Gates. I asked him that since I arrived in Heaven if I could take a look around
the place. St. Peter agreed, and even came along with me to show me around. We
went a ways, until we met President Clinton, tied to one of the most ugliest
beast you could ever, ever imagine. It was nearly human, probably about 95
years old, 5 inch thick glasses, grease just dripping off its body, muttering
every now and then like a sick crow. We asked Willie why he was chained to this
awful creature.
Willie replied: “Well, when I used to live on Earth, I committed a number of
sins, and now I’m chained to this realy ugly old thing as penance.”
We wished President Clinton the best of luck, and moved on. A while later we
met with none other than Elvis Presley, the King of Rock, and he was tied to
another of the most ugliest creatures you could imagine, even worse than the
first one. We asked Mr. Presley why he was chained to such an ugly thing.
The King replies: “Well, when I used to live on Earth, I committed a number
of sins, and now I have to live with this ugly old monster for a while as
penance.”
We wished the King the best of luck, and moved on.
After a while we met up with Billy Gates, president of Microsoft. Billy Gates
just so happened to be chained to one of the most gorgeous, luscious, and
sexiest woman you could ever imagine, long blonde hair, blue eyes, long limbs,
and a beautiful figure. So, we asked him why they were chained to each other
like that.
The woman answered first: “When I used to live on Earth, I committed a
number of sins…”