JokesArcade

You know you‘re Italian when

You can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you.

You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can‘t fit two cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2…

Leroy is given a homework assignment. Still befuddled by the whole school thing, Leroy is a trooper. He was given another set of vocabulary words to use in sentences.

Here’s what he handed in:

HONOR ROLL – We was playin poker on the stoop the other day, man I was HONOROLL.

PLANET – I got me some seed to grow weed, so I PLANET in the backyard.

DISMAY – I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a big needle. He said, “DISMAY hurt a little.”

OMELETTE – Every time I start a new job, OMELETTE go after a week.

STAIRWAY – When me and my homies get high, we STAIRWAY into space.

MOBILE – I went to buy crack, I was short on cash, my man said, “Gimme one MOBILE.”

DEFENSE – I ran from the cops, and hopped DEFENSE and got away.

AFRO – I got so mad at my girly, AFRO a lamp at her.

AFTERMATH – I like to be high in school, so AFTERMATH I go to the field and smoke weed.

LOCKET – I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET.

DOMINEERING – My girly’s birthday was yesterday, I got her a DOMINEERING.

KENYA – I needed change fo the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA spare some change.

DERANGE – DERANGE is where da deer and antelope play.

DATA – At my basketball game, I scored thirty points. My coach said, “DATA boy!”

COPULATE – I called 911 and an hour later when they show up, I said, “COPULATE!”

FASCINATE – My girly’s boobs are so big. Her shirt has ten buttons, she can only FASCINATE!

BEWARE – I asked the man at the unemployment office, “Is this BEWARE I get a job?”

COATROOM – The judge said, “One more outburst like that, and you’ll be thrown out the COATROOM.”

DECIDE – I like Wanda and Yolanda, but I like to have a couple of babes on DECIDE.

• I thought Graceland was tacky.

• No kids in the back of the pick-up, it’s not safe.

• Do you think my hair is too big?

• Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

• The tires on that truck are too big.

• I’ve got it all on a floppy disk.

• Do you think this ball cap goes with this shirt?

• Damned if that polititian ain’t honest!

• We’re vegetarians.

• I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.

• You can’t feed that to the dog.

• Trim the fat off that steak.

• I just love the Opera

• Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

• Wrasslin’s fake.

Q. What English word has no equivalent in the French language?

A. Gratitude

There were three Aggies; one crane operator, one pole climber, one guide. The guide tied the crane to the end of a pole. The crane operator would then pick the pole up on end. The climber climbed to the top…

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce, and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?

Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

First name:___________________Last name(if known):_______________________

Address (where you live):

Mother’s name(list also relation, i.e., sister):__________________

Birthdate(yours):____________________

Father’s name (if known, if not, list two possible choices)______________

Color of neck: Light Red( ) Medium Red( ) Dark Red( ) No Neck( )

Year of pickup truck:____________ Do you have the following in your truck:

Fuzzy Dice( ) Gun Rack( ) Coon Tail( )

Filled ash tray( ) Used Condoms( )

Dead Road Kill( ) Dog of Unknown Breed( )

Have you ever been to a large city? (Like Little Rock) Yes( ) No( )

How far can you throw cow pies?__________ Do you eat cow pies? Yes( ) No( )

Wife’s name:__________________ Is she: Cousin( ) Neighbor( ) Sister( )

Mother( ) Neighbor’s dog( )

Right hand( )

Does your wife weigh: Less than 200 Pounds( ) Less than 300 Pounds( )

Less than a 747( ) More than a 747( )

Do you know what a 747 is? Yes( ) No( )

How much smarter than you is your wife:

50 IQ Points( ) 75 IQ Points( )

100 IQ Points( ) She Won’t Tell Me( )

Does your wife wear:

A Dress( ) Pants( ) Hot Pants( )

Your Pants( ) Them Lawyer Clothes( )

Nothing( ) Nothing but an Arkansas U Hog Head Hat( )

Color of wife’s hair: Blonde( ) Red( ) Brown( ) Black( ) Bald( )

Did you understand the previous questions:

Yes( ) No( ) What does “previous” mean?( )

Huh?( ) All of the Above( )

Have you ever had: Herpes( ) Jock Rot( ) The Drip( ) Roids( ) Zits( )

(Check all that Smelly Feet( ) Toe Jam( ) Bad Breath( ) Tit Munge( )

apply) Ear Wax( ) Long Nasal Hairs( ) Brown Nose( )

Have you ever: Castrated a Pig( ) Been Castrated by a Pig( )

Danced to Achey Breaky Heart( ) Had an Achey Breaky Heart( )

Been Mistaken for Elvis( ) Had Fantasies about Toto( )

Had Fantasies about Dorothy and Toto( )

Had Fantasies about Gilligan( )

Had Fantasies about Gilligan and the Skipper Too( )

Inhaled( )

Where was your last Elvis sighting?________________ On what date?___________

Can you count past five: Yes( ) No( ) Past ten: Yes( ) No( )

Explain in ten words or less why on Earth you want to be Governor of Arkansas:

Signature (or ‘X’ if you can’t write)________________________________

Confucious say…

…woman sitting in jelly have her ass in jam.

…man with penis in peanut butter, fucking nuts.

…man who puts penis in vaccuum cleaner, get sucked off.

…boy who lay girl on hill, not on level.

…man who lose key to girlfriend apartment, get no new-key!

…he who finger girl during period, get caught red-handed.

…he who smoke pot, choke on handle.

…woman who wear g-string, high on crack!

…he who stand on toilet, high on pot!

…boy who go to bed with sex problem on mind, wake up with solution on-hand!

…girl who bathe in vinegar, walk around with sour-puss!

…man with hand in bush, not nessarily trimming shrubs!

…man who masturbate into cash register, soon come into money!

…he who masturbate, screw only himself!

…he who walks thru airplane door sideways is going to Bangkok!

…dumb man climb tree to get cherry, wise man spread limbs!

German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fibre net.

Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing…

They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.

Q. How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. One, because he holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.