Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip…but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: “Where would you like to put this tree Santa?”

A man is driving home late one night and is feeling very horny. As he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander. He thinks to himself, you know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is no one around here for miles. He pulls over to the side of the [...]

A lady walks into a tattoo parlor and asks the artist if she can get two tattoos. The artist says, ‘Sure.’ She tells him that on her left inner thigh she would like a turkey, and beneath it she would like it to say ‘Happy Thanksgiving.’ On her right inner thigh, she says that she [...]

A dad went to his shrink and the Dr. ask “what seems to be the problem?” ” My son cusses in every sentences what should I do?” Ask him what he want for X-mas and if he tells you without cussing give him that present, but if he cuses while telling you give him dog [...]

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A: Frostbite. Q: Why was Santa’s little helper depressed? A: Because he had low elf esteem. Q: What nationality is Santa Claus? A: North Polish. Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus? A: Crisp Cringle. Q: If Santa [...]

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. “What is that?” he asked. She said, “I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of [...]

- Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) OR JD – Put turkey in the oven – Take another 2 drinks of whiskey – Set the degree at 375 ovens – Take 3 more whiskeys of drink – Turn oven the on – Take 4 whisks of drinky – Turk the bastey – Whiskey another bottle [...]

On Christmas eve Santa was riding his sleigh and he saw some girls and he said no presents for thoes girls and pointed at each girl and said, ho ho ho.

Twas the night before Christmas–Old Santa was pissed. He cussed out the elves and threw down his list “Your miserable brats and ungrateful jerks, I’ve a bloody good mind to scrap the whole works!” I’ve busted my ass for damn near one year, Instead of ‘Thanks Santa’…….just what do I hear? The old lady bitches, [...]

The New Year’s Eve party had turned into a regular marathon with numerous guests coming and going. At one point, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to the bar in the basement. He sat there happily for a couple of hours before [...]