Its All About Jokes

How did the little angel come to be on top of the Christmas tree?

A man is driving home late one night and is feeling very horny. As he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander. He thinks to himself, you know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is no one around here for miles.

He pulls over to the side of the road, picks out a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it, and begins to screw the pumpkin.

After a while he is really into it, and doesn’t notice the police car pulling up. The cop walks over and says, “Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?”

The man looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and says, “A pumpkin? Is it midnight already?”

A lady walks into a tattoo parlor and asks the artist if she can get two tattoos.

The artist says, ‘Sure.’

She tells him that on her left inner thigh she would like a turkey, and beneath it she would like it to say ‘Happy Thanksgiving.’ On her right inner thigh, she says that she wants a picture of Santa Claus, and beneath that she would like it to say, ‘Merry Christmas.’

Obliging his customer, the artist gives her the two tattoos, and after he is finished, he asks her why she wanted them. She told him that she was sick of her husband saying there was nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

A dad went to his shrink and the Dr. ask “what seems to be the problem?” ” My son cusses in every sentences what should I do?” Ask him what he want for X-mas and if he tells you without cussing give him that present, but if he cuses while telling you give him dog shit. So he goes home and says son what do you want for X-mas? I want a god damn X-box 360 at the foot of my bed, a Ipod nano with all the shit, and fucking dirt bike. He wake up the next morning and at the foot of his bed was dog shit, opened a box that looked like a Ipod but it was dog shit, he run outside and saw dirt bike shadow but it was dog shit covering his old bike. The dad came out and said “son what did Santa bring you?” I think he brought me a god damn dog but I can’t find the little bastard.

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

A: Frostbite.

Q: Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?

A: Because he had low elf esteem.

Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?

A: North Polish.

Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?

A: Crisp Cringle.

Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?

A: A subordinate claus.

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?

A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. “What is that?” he asked. She said, “I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo ‘Merry Christmas,’ and on the inside of the other one they tattooed ‘Happy New Year.’” Perplexed, he asked, “Why did you do that?” “Well,” she replied, “Now you can’t complain that there’s never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!”

- Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) OR JD

- Put turkey in the oven

- Take another 2 drinks of whiskey

- Set the degree at 375 ovens

- Take 3 more whiskeys of drink

- Turn oven the on

- Take 4 whisks of drinky

- Turk the bastey

- Whiskey another bottle of get

- Stick a turkey in the thermometer

- Glass yourself a pour of whiskey

- Bake the whiskey for 4 hours

- Take the oven out of the turkey

- Take the oven out of the turkey

- Floor the turkey up off of the pick

- Turk the carvey

- Get yourself another scottle of botch

- Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey

- Bless the saying, pass and eat out

On Christmas eve Santa was riding his sleigh and he saw some girls and he said no presents for thoes girls and pointed at each girl and said, ho ho ho.

Twas the night before Christmas–Old Santa was pissed.

He cussed out the elves and threw down his list

“Your miserable brats and ungrateful jerks,

I’ve a bloody good mind to scrap the whole works!”

I’ve busted my ass for damn near one year,

Instead of ‘Thanks Santa’…….just what do I hear?

The old lady bitches, ’cause I work late all night.

The elves want more money; the reindeers all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids,

Donner is pregnant—even Vixen got laid!

And just when I thought things would start to get better

Those assholes from Tax sent me this bloody letter,

They say I owe taxes – now isn’t that funny

Who in the hell ever SENT Santa money?

And the kids these days, they all are just the pits

They want the impossible, those mean little shits

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds

And assembling those dolls…their heads, arms and legs

I made tons of yo yo’s–No request for them

It’s robots & computers!!!!…they think I’m IBM

Flying through the air… the trees hard to see

Falling down chimneys as I try not to pee

I’m quitting this job there’s no longer enjoyment

I’ll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment .

There’s No Christmas this year, now you all know the reason

and I found me a blonde; I’m going SOUTH for the season

The New Year’s Eve party had turned into a regular marathon with numerous guests coming and going.

At one point, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to the bar in the basement.

He sat there happily for a couple of hours before a strange light dawned on his face. “You know,” he confided to his host, “I wasn’t even invited to this party. I just came over to tell you that some of your guests’ cars are blocking my driveway.”

The guest continued, “My wife’s been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved.”