Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: “Where would you like to put this tree Santa?”

He pulls over to the side of the road, picks out a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it, and begins to screw the pumpkin.

After a while he is really into it, and doesn’t notice the police car pulling up. The cop walks over and says, “Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?”

The man looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and says, “A pumpkin? Is it midnight already?”

The artist says, ‘Sure.’

She tells him that on her left inner thigh she would like a turkey, and beneath it she would like it to say ‘Happy Thanksgiving.’ On her right inner thigh, she says that she wants a picture of Santa Claus, and beneath that she would like it to say, ‘Merry Christmas.’

Obliging his customer, the artist gives her the two tattoos, and after he is finished, he asks her why she wanted them. She told him that she was sick of her husband saying there was nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

A: Frostbite.

Q: Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?

A: Because he had low elf esteem.

Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?

A: North Polish.

Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?

A: Crisp Cringle.

Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?

A: A subordinate claus.

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?

A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

- Put turkey in the oven

- Take another 2 drinks of whiskey

- Set the degree at 375 ovens

- Take 3 more whiskeys of drink

- Turn oven the on

- Take 4 whisks of drinky

- Turk the bastey

- Whiskey another bottle of get

- Stick a turkey in the thermometer

- Glass yourself a pour of whiskey

- Bake the whiskey for 4 hours

- Take the oven out of the turkey

- Take the oven out of the turkey

- Floor the turkey up off of the pick

- Turk the carvey

- Get yourself another scottle of botch

- Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey

- Bless the saying, pass and eat out

He cussed out the elves and threw down his list

“Your miserable brats and ungrateful jerks,

I’ve a bloody good mind to scrap the whole works!”

I’ve busted my ass for damn near one year,

Instead of ‘Thanks Santa’…….just what do I hear?

The old lady bitches, ’cause I work late all night.

The elves want more money; the reindeers all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids,

Donner is pregnant—even Vixen got laid!

And just when I thought things would start to get better

Those assholes from Tax sent me this bloody letter,

They say I owe taxes – now isn’t that funny

Who in the hell ever SENT Santa money?

And the kids these days, they all are just the pits

They want the impossible, those mean little shits

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds

And assembling those dolls…their heads, arms and legs

I made tons of yo yo’s–No request for them

It’s robots & computers!!!!…they think I’m IBM

Flying through the air… the trees hard to see

Falling down chimneys as I try not to pee

I’m quitting this job there’s no longer enjoyment

I’ll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment .

There’s No Christmas this year, now you all know the reason

and I found me a blonde; I’m going SOUTH for the season

At one point, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to the bar in the basement.

He sat there happily for a couple of hours before a strange light dawned on his face. “You know,” he confided to his host, “I wasn’t even invited to this party. I just came over to tell you that some of your guests’ cars are blocking my driveway.”

The guest continued, “My wife’s been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved.”