JokesArcade

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, ‘I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.

She answers, ‘My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.’

‘Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.’

She responds, ‘Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic.’

The cab driver is very excited and says, ‘Yes, I am single and I’m Catholic too!’

The nun says ‘OK, pull into the next alley.’

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. ‘My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?’

‘Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.’

The nun says, ‘That’s OK, my name is Kevin and I’m on my way to a Halloween party.’

you might be a redneck if instead of taking down your xmas tree ornaments, you drag the tree outside and shoot them off with your kids new bb gun!

Q. Who was the most famous French skeleton?

A. Napoleon bone-apart.

Q. Why did the Vampire read the Wall Street Journal?

A. He heard it had great circulation.

Q. Why did the ghost go into the bar?

A. For the Boos.

Q. What is a Mummie’s favorite type of music?

A. Wrap!!!!!

Q. Why doesn’t Dracula mind the doctor looking at his throat.

A. Because of the coffin.

Q: Why did’t the skeleton cross the road?

A: He had no guts.

Q. What is a vampires least favorite food?

A. Steak

Q. Why did the headless horseman go into business?

A. He wanted to get ahead in life.

Q. What do you call a witch’s garage?

A. A broom closet.

Q. Why was the mummy so tense?

A. Because he was all wound up.

Q. What did Dracula have for dessert?

A. Whine & Ice scream

Q. How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?

A. With scare spray…

Q. What kind of streets do zombies like the best?

A. Dead ends…

Q. What do birds give out on Halloween night?

A. Tweets…

10. She’s a goblin!

9. I’d like to get a little something in the sack.

8. Let me see your bag … OH! – You’re having a great night!

7. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.

6. She’s got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch

5. If you just lick it, it’ll last longer.

4. Show me your JuJuBees and I’ll let you see my Zagnuts.

3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth,

2. You scared me stiff!

1. He’s got Candy spread out on the living room floor!

One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes.

She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said, ‘what are you supposed to say sweetheart?’

The little girl looks up at the woman and says ‘Twick or Tweat!’

The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, ‘Go ahead honey say it just one more time.’

Once again the little Angel looks up and says, ‘Twick or Tweat!’

The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl’s Treat Bag.

The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, ‘Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my fucking cookies!’

It Irish time in the city

St patricks day were getting shitty

Irish car bombs with celtic songs

we drink till u sing it with me

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

Christmas jokes. Why is the angel on top of the tree?

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?’

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?” “You’ll know tonight,” he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it – to find a book entitled: “The Meaning of Dreams.”

One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip… but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then, Mrs. Claus told him that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

Then when he went to harness the Reindeer, he found three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas Tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas Santa. Isn’t it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you, Isn’t it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?’

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas Tree..