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This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, “Do you have any grapes?” The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, “Do you have any grapes?” The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves. The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks “Do you have any grapes?” The clerk screams at the duck, “You’ve come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don’t have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I’ll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!” The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, “Do you have any nails?” The clerk replied, “No,” and the duck said, “Good! Got any grapes?”
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Charlie was a very successful marketing director. Sadly, his wife Rita dies. At the cemetery, Joe‘s friends and family are appalled to see that the headstone reads:
“Here lies Rita, wife of Charlie, MCIM, Post Graduate Diploma in Marketing and Marketing Director of Quality Marketing Services Ltd.“
Charlie was standing in front of Rita‘s grave reading the headstone when he suddenly burst into tears.
His brother says to him, “I‘m not at all surprised that you find this distasteful. It‘s right that you should cry, pulling a cheap stunt like this on our Rita‘s headstone.“
Through his tears, Joe sobs, “You don‘t understand. They left out the phone number.“
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“Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom…..and has started to dig.”
“His men would follow him anywhere…but only out of morbid curiosity.”
“This employee is really not so much of a ‘has-been’, but more of a definite ‘won’t be’.”
“Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
“He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”
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A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash. As usual the store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and not wanting to stare quickly looks away again. Out of the corner of his eye the manager sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash. Shocked, the manager runs over and says “Mister is there a problem – is there anything I can help you with?” The blind man calmly replies “No thanks – I’m just looking around.”
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A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife “Mother of Six“ in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it‘s time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, ‘Shall we go home now Mother of Six?“
His wife, finally fed up with her husband, shouts back, “Anytime you‘re ready, Father of Four!“
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An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself “Oh God, I’m screwed!!!!!.”
There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: “No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.”
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.
As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: “Okay ….. NOW you’re screwed.”
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My boss didn’t come into work today. He called this morning and said he was having a vision problem. When I asked what was wrong, he replied, “I just can’t see myself at work today.”
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Police warn all clubbers, partygoers, and unsuspecting bar regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called “beer” is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.
The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large “kegs.”
“Beer” is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of “beer” and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.
After several “beers” men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking “beer,” men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life’s savings in a familiar scam known as “a relationship.” It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as “marriage.”
Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after “beer” is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious “beer” and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
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Dear Manager,
Thank you for your letter of April 25th. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me a position in your company.
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite your companies outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position in your department this August.
I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.
Sincerely,
Interviewee
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Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world-famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers…
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My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished.
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A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So leave a message.
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Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.
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Hi, I’m not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
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Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
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Hello, this is Sally’s microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I’m stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.
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Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
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This is not an answering machine — this is a telepathic thought- recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.
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Hi. I am probably home. I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.
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Hi, this is George. I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
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If you are a burglar, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t home and it’s safe to leave us a message.
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You’re growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.
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Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
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Hello, you’ve reached Jim and Sonya. We can’t pick up the phone right now, because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right … real slowly. So leave a message, and when we’re done brushing our teeth, we’ll get back to you. _____________________________________________________________
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