JokesArcade

teacher:”If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up” said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

“Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” enquired the teacher with a sneer.

“Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”

An actual tip from page 16 of the Hewlett Packard Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: “Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.”

“Dad, listen, you aren’t going to believe this,” he said to his father. “I’ve finally settled that old Whitmore

Three men were flying on a plane over the jungle when it crashed. They were the only people who survived. They decided that starting the next morning one of them would go out and make weapons and see if he could kill anything.

So the next morning the first man went out. He didn’t come back till about noon. When they saw him they ran to him and helped him carry the deer back to the plane wreckage. They asked him how he killed it.

He said ‘I find tracks…I follow tracks…I kill deer.’

So the next morning the second guy set out. He too came back at noon. When they saw him they ran to him and helped him carry the buffalo he had killed back to the plane wreckage. They asked him how he had killed it.

He said ‘I find tracks…I follow tracks…I kill buffalo.’

The next morning the third guy went out. The other two were watching and watching for him. When it was almost sundown and he still hadn’t returned they started getting worried. Then they saw a person stumbling towards them he looked awful, really bad cuts and a broken arm. They went and helped him to the fire they had made and asked him what had happened.

He said ‘I find tracks…I follow tracks…and…I got hit by a train.’

Three convicts escape from jail and are being chased by police. They turn onto a dark alley and spot a bunch of potato sacks. Each of the three hide in one.

A policeman quickly comes through the scene and hears a rustling from the potato sacks. He goes over to them and kicks the first potato sack.

‘Meow!’ says the a convict. And the policeman goes to the next muttering, ‘Stupid cats.’

He kicks the second potato sack and the second convict says, ‘Woof!’

‘Stupid dogs!’ says the policeman while moving on to the next potato sack. The policeman kicks it, nothing, so he kicks it again and the last convict says, ‘Potato potato!’

This Policeman pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.

“I was only going 40!” the driver protested.

“Not according to my radar,” the officer replied.

“Yes, I was!” the man shouted back.

“No you weren’t!” the policeman said, starting to get annoyed. With that, the man’s wife leaned toward the window and said,

“Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he’s been drinking.”

A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, ‘Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!’

He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can’t help but wonder why they are chanting ‘Thirteen!’ over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far.

His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside.

He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, ‘Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!’

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

Unix *is* user friendly. It is not ignorant-friendly and idiot-friendly.

Ring Ring…Hello, who is it?Is your phone number 13498

Ring Ring…

Hello, who is it?

Is your phone number 13498732?

No.

So, why did you pick up the phone?