JokesArcade

Moshe was at his golf club and went into the clubhouse to see whether anyone could offer him a lift to Hendon. His own car was off the road being serviced.

‘Sure,’ said Morry, ‘I’ll give you a lift. My Rolls Royce is just outside.’

As they’re driving along, Moshe says, ‘Morry, what’s that thing on the dashboard ticking all the time?’

‘That’s my digital clock.’

A few minutes later, Moshe asks, ‘And what’s that thing on the dashboard moving up and down?’

‘That’s my tachometer,’ says Morry.

Then a few minutes after that, Moshe starts to ask, ‘But what’s that….’

‘Hold on a minute, Moshe,’ says Morry, ‘I can see you’ve never been in a Rolls Royce before.’

‘Never in the front seat.’ says Moshe.

Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked an elderly aged man named Moishe to represent them. Rabbi Moishe‘s Latin wasn‘t very good – in fact, he knew very little–but he was a man of great faith and well respected in the Jewish community. The pope agreed. What could be easier than a silent debate?

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, “I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.“

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?“

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. “What happened?“ they asked. “Well,“ said Moishe, “First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.“ “And then?“ asked a woman. “I don‘t know,“ said Moishe. “He took out his lunch and I took out mine.“

One day, the wise men of Chelm decide to start making their own beer.
After months of experimentation with different recipes, they still can’t agree which is the best formula. They deliberate for weeks, with no resolution. Finally they leave the decision to the Rabbi.
The Rabbi decides which one is their very best beer and the Chelmites ship a sample off to Warsaw for certification.
Two weeks later they get a telegram: “Your horse has diabetes.”

Two beggars are sitting on the pavement in Ireland. One is holding a large Cross and the other a large Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. As people walk by, they lift their noses at the guy holding the Star of David but drop money in the other guy’s hat. Soon one hat is nearly full whilst the other hat is empty.

A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the guy with the Star of David and says, “Don’t you realize that this is a Christian country? You’ll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David.”

The guy holding the Star of David then turns to the guy holding the Cross and says, “Hymie, look who’s trying to teach us Marketing.”

Bernie at the Races
Rabbi Levine is walking slowly out of a Shul in Golders Green when a gust of wind blows his hat down the street. He’s an old man and can’t walk fast enough to catch his hat. Across the street, Bernie sees what’s happening, rushes over, grabs the hat and returns it to Rabbi Levine.

‘I don’t think I would have been able to catch my hat.’ Rabbi Levine says. He places his hand on Bernie’s shoulder and says, ‘May God bless you.’

Bernie thinks, ‘I’ve just been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day.’ So he goes to the races and sees in the first race a horse named ‘Top Hat’ at 20 to 1. He bets £50 and the horse comes in first.

In the second race, Bernie sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1 so he bets it all and this horse comes in first also.

When Bernie finally returns home to his wife, she asks him where he’s been. He explains how he caught the Rabbi’s hat and was blessed by him and then went to a betting office and started winning on horses that had a hat in their names.

‘So where’s the money?’ she asks.

‘I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost.’

‘You fool, Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a hat.’

‘It doesn’t matter,’ Bernie said, ‘the winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulka.’

An American Jew was shopping on Regent Street in London. He entered a posh gourmet food store. A sales representative, in a long morning coat
with tie and tails, approached.

“May I be of help to you, sir?“
“Yes. I‘d like a pound of lox.“
“Sorry, sir – do you mean smoked salmon?“
“Okay, a pound of smoked salmon.“
“Anything else, sir?“
“Yes, a dozen blintzes.“
“I believe you mean crepes, sir.“
“Okay, a dozen crepes.“
“Anything else, sir?“
“Yes. A pound of chopped liver.“
“You are probably referring to pate, sir.“
“Okay, a pound of pate – and could you deliver all this on Saturday?“
“Sorry, sir – we don‘t schlep that chazzerai on Shabbos.“

A New York judge is presiding over the divorce
proceedings of a Jewish couple. When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is complete the woman thanks the judge and says, “Now I have to arrange for a Ghet.”

The judge inquires what she means by a Ghet.
So, the woman explains that a Ghet is a religious ceremony required under the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce recognized by the Jewish faith. The judge says, “You mean a religious ceremony like a Bris”(Circumcision)?

She replies, “Yes, very similar, only in this case you get rid of the ENTIRE dick!”

An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road.

The Rabbi says, “Oy vey! What a wreck!”

The priest asks him, “Are you all right, Rabbi?”

The Rabbi responds, “Just a little shaken.”

The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, “Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves.”

The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, “Well, what are we going to tell the police?”

“Well,” the priest says, “I don’t know what your aft’ to be tellin’ them. But I’ll be tellin’ them I wasn’t the one drinkin’.”

The rabbi tells a story
‘A poor woodcutter found a baby in the forest and adopted him. But how should he feed the child? He prayed to God, and a miracle happened: The woodcutter grew breasts and could nurse the child.’

A student:
‘But why should god make woman’s breast grow on a man? God could have sent a purse with gold, so the woodcutter could have hired a nurse.’

The rabbi responds:
‘Wrong! Why should God spend money, if he can manage with a miracle?’

Martin Lewis converts and becomes a priest.

He give his first Mass in front of a number of high ranking priests who came for the occasion. At the end of the new priest‘s sermon, a cardinal goes up to congratulate him.

“Pastor Lewis,“ he said, “That was very well done, you were just perfect. But next time, please don‘t start your sermon with, “Fellow Goyim“