JokesArcade

Rivka goes to her rabbi for advice. “Rabbi,” she says. “Both Abe and Sol are in love with me. Both want to marry me, and I have to pick…Who will the lucky one be?” The rabbi looked at her and replied, “Abe will marry you and Sol will be the lucky one.

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard.

Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, “What‘s so funny Bobby?“

“Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters.“

“Get out of my classroom,“ she yells, “I don‘t want to see you for three days!“

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student.

She quickly turns and asks, “What‘s so funny Billy?“

“Well teacher, I just saw BOTH of your garters.“ Again she yells, “Get out of my classroom!“ This time the punishment is more severe, and tells him – “I don‘t want to see you for three weeks!“ Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again.

So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is a burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

“And where do you think you are going?“ she asks.

“Well teach, from what I just saw, my school days are over!“

Jakie returns to New York after being away for 30 years. He jumps into a taxi and tells the cabbie, “Take me to the Stork Club!” The cabbie answers, “Are you kidding? The Stork Club closed Years ago.” “How about the Copa?” he asks. “That too,” exclaims the driver. “Well,” he asks,”What is still open?” The driver says, “The only one of the old clubs still around is the Hi Hat Club.” “I used to go there,” he exclaimes, “Let’s go.”
After a few drinks at the Hi Hat, Jakie goes into the mens’ room where he sees runs into the old toilet caretaker. “Irving,” he exclaims, “I can’t believe you are still here working the toilet! How long have you been here?” “Forty years,” Irving answers. Jakie asks, “So, how are you doing?” “Not so great,” Irving answers. “It’s not like the old days. Now all the drunks come in and throw up in the stalls. And all the druggies come in and shoot up. It’s really disgusting!” “Why do you stay?” asks Jakie. Irving replies, “Every once in awhile a gentleman like you comes in to take a crap, it’s like a breath of fresh air!”

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day.

“Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish,” he asks, “will God get mad at
me for giving someone a valentine?”

David’s father thinks a bit, then says “No, I don’t think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?”

“Osama Bin Laden,” David says.

“Why Osama Bin Laden,” his father asks in shock.

“Well,” David says, “I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start
loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he’d love everyone a lot. And then he’d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore.”

His father’s heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride.

“David, that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard.”

“I know,” David says, “and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him.”

Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked an elderly aged man named Moishe to represent them. Rabbi Moishe’s Latin wasn’t very good – in fact, he knew very little–but he was a man of great faith and well respected in the Jewish community. The pope agreed. What could be easier than a silent debate?

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, “I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.”

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. “What happened?” they asked. “Well,” said Moishe, “First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.” “And then?” asked a woman. “I don’t know,” said Moishe. “He took out his lunch and I took out mine.”

Morry gets into a cab to the airport. The cab driver asks “would you like to hear a joke?”
Morry says “sure.”
The driver starts, “Two jews are walking down the street…” Morry then says “I’m Jewish. why do you all think that it is funny to pick on jews in your jokes? can’t you tell a joke about Chinese people?”
The driver replies “I’m sorry sir…two Chinese men are walking down the street, on their way to a Barmitzvah when……..”

Santa bought a brand new Maruti and decided to drive down from Amritsar, where he lived, to Jalandhar to meet his friend. He reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, he decided to return, and called up his mother to expect him in the evening. But he did not reach in the evening, and not the next day either.

When he finally reached home on the third day, his distraught mother ran and asked him, “Arre Puttar, ki hoya ?“

Santa got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, “Oy, ye Mrutti wale paagal ho gaye hain! Agge jaane waaste chaar gear banaae hain, aur pichche jaane waaste sirf ik ?“ (These Maruti guys have gone crazy, they ve made four gears for going forward and just one for going back!)

reuven shimon & levi went touring in nyc on vacation. they stayed on the 60th floor of a large apartment building.
before they went out touring, reuven gave the key to their room to levi to hold, saying that he may lose it. levi also feared losing it, so he gave it to the attendant of the building to hold for them.

one night, upon arriving home very late, the attendant of the apartment building said that the elevator is broken. they’d have to walk up 60 flights to their room. they decided that to pass time, reuven will sing the first 20 flights, shimon will tell funny stories for the next 20 flights, & levi will tell sad stories for the last 20 flights.

as they were huffing & puffing through the 1st 20 flights, reuven was singing. when they finally reached the 20th flight, shimon had them rolling with laughter from his funny stories. at the 40th flight, when they felt as if they were about to drop dead, reuven turned to levi and said your turn to tell us sad stories. levi looked up & said i can only think of 1 sad story-we left the key at the bottom!!!

A guy from Brooklyn was in Hong Kong passing
through the native quarter, and was surprised to see a synagogue. He went in and sure enough, he saw a Chinese rabbi and a Chinese congregation. The service was touching.

As the service ended, the rabbi stood at the
door greeting his congregants. When our
Brooklyn friend came up, the Chinese rabbi said, “You a Jew?”

“Yes, I’m Jewish,” replied the Brooklynite.

“Funny,” said the Chinese rabbi. “You don’t look it.”

In the future, a rabbi makes a car. This car doesn’t run on fuel, it runs on judaic belief. And to start this car you must say “Baruch Hashem” (Praise g-d), the faster you say it the faster the car goes. And the word to stop the car is “Amen”.
So one day, a very spacey college student gets into his car and starts chanting “Baruch hashem, baruch hashem, baruch hashem…” the car speeds up and gets faster and faster. Soon the student realizes that he is heading towards a cliff, he desperatley struggles to remember the word and finally remembers.
The second before he goes off, he says “Amen!” and the car stops.
He sighs in relief, and says “Baruch hashem”…