JokesArcade

Little Johnny was starting his first day at a new school and his father called the teacher to tell her that little Johnny was a big gambler. She said that it was no problem and she has seen worse than that.

After Little Johnny’s first day at his new school his father called the teacher to see how it went. She said, “I think I broke his gambling”. The father asked how and she said, “He bet me $5.00 that I had a mole on my butt, so I pulled down my pants and won his money.”

“DAMN!” said the father.
“What’s wrong?”, the teacher asked.

Little Johnny’s father said, “This morning he bet me $100.00 he would see his teacher’s butt before the day was over!”

A young teenager comes home from school and asks her
mother, “Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies
come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?”

“Yes, dear,” replies her mother, pleased that the subject had
finally come up and she wouldn’t have to explain it.

“But then when I have a baby, won’t it knock my teeth out?”

Where do ants go to eat?
At a restaurant!

What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
Antteneye!

What do you call an and with frogs legs?
An antphibian!

What kind of ants are very learned?
Pedants!

What do you call a smart ant?
Elegant!

What do you call an ant who can’t play the piano?
Discordant!

What kind of ant is good at maths?
An accountant!

How come if ants are always so busy they always get time to show up at picnics?
How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
Ten ants!

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend?”

Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.

The comedies make me laugh. I’m so happy with my TV as my boyfriend.” Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door.

When he opened the door, there stood Grandma’s minister. The minister said, “Hello son is your grandma home?”

The little boy replied, “Yeah, she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.”

There was a lady and she had 3 children and one day 1 went up 2 her and said mummy why is my name rose, the lady answers ‘because i dropped a rose petal on u when u were born the next child says ‘why am i called daisy , the lady answers because i dropped a daisy on u when u were born , her next child says ‘asjkct7buitof75hj’ the lady says shut up fridge

The Grade 1 concert is fast approaching and Johhny has still
not decidied what he will do. Little Mary is going to do a piano
solo, Timmy will recite a poem, but Johnny can’t come up with
anything. Finally, his frustrated teacher is releived when he tells
her he has worked out his act.

Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall
and watch as Mary, in her perettiest dress, tinkles the ivories to
rapturous applause…

Then Timmy steps out in his best suit and recites his poems to
the delight of the audience.

Finally, out comes Johhny, in check shirt, and denim overalls.
He steps up to the microphone and says…

“Ladies and Gentlemen. My uncle owns a farm and every
holiday I visit him there. Tonight, I would like to share with you
my impression of some of the many sounds I hear on my
unlce’s farm. Here is the first….’JOHHNY! GET OFF THAT
FUCKING TRACTOR!’”

Q: What kind of money to polo bears use?
A: Ice lolly!

Q: Have you ever hunted bear?
A: No, but I’ve been shooting in my shorts!

Q: How do you start a teddy bear race?
A: Ready, teddy, go!

Q: What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
A: A bear faced lyre!

Q: Why do bears have fur coats?
A: Because they’d look stupid in anoraks!

Q: What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A: A teddy boar!

Q: What should you call a bald teddy?
A: Fred bear!

Q: What animal do you look like when you get into the bath?
A: A little bear!

Q: What’s yellow, comes from Peru, and is completely unknown?
A: Waterloo Bear, Paddington Bear’s forgotten cousin!

Q: What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
A: Winnie the Pooh!

Teacher : Peter how do you define a kilometre ?
Peter: It’s easy sir even an infant could tell it.
Teacher : Then tell me.
Peter : Sir a kilometre is the distance in meters you can travel by carrying a load of a kilogram.

Q: How do you hire a teddy bear?
A: Put him on stilts!

Q: What do you call a big white bear with a hole in his middle?
A: A polo bear!

Q: Why do polo bears like bald men?
A: Because they have a great, white, bear place!

Q: What do polo bears have for lunch?
A: Ice burger!

Q: What’s a teddy bears favorite pasta?
A: Tagliateddy!

Q: What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
A: They both have ‘the’ as their middle names!

Q: Why is polar bear cheap to have as a pet?
A: It lives on ice!

Q: Why shouldn’t you take a bear to the zoo?
A: Because they’d rather go to the cinema!

Q: What is a bear’s favorite drink?
A: Koka-Koala!

Q: Why was the little bear so spoiled?
A: Because its mother panda’d to its every whim!

Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried
to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with
friends and relatives. His father tried every way possible to get
Johnny to occupy himself…television, ice cream, homework,
video games…but the youngster insisted on running back and
forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.

The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to
quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy’s uncle
stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the
room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without
Johnny, and without comment the game resumed.

For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be
seen and the card players continued without any further
interruptions.

After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny’s uncle,
“What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven’t heard a
peep from him all day!”

“Not much,” the boy’s uncle replied. “I just showed him how to
masturbate.”