JokesArcade

Little Johnny comes home one day and says, “Mom! Little Mark next door has a penis like a peanut!”

“What do you mean, Johnny? Is it shaped like a peanut?”

“No,” says Johnny. “It’s salty.”

Little Johnny’s teacher noticed that he was sporting a black eye. She asked him what happened, and he replied, “Ma’am, you remember I told you how I sleep on the floor next to my parent’s bed? Well, last night, my dad asked me if I was still awake, I said yes and then he punched me in the face.”

“Ok, Johnny”, the teacher said, trying to help, ” the next time your dad asks you if you’re still awake, don’t answer, just lay still and pretend to be asleep.”

All went well, until a few weeks later, Little Johnny came to class with another black eye. The teacher asked him why he didn’t follow her advice.

Johnny explained, “Ma’am, I tried to, when dad asked me if I was awake, I kept quiet and lay really still, and pretended to be asleep, but then Dad said ‘I’m coming’, and Mom said ‘I’m coming too’, and I didn’t want them to go anywhere without me, so I shouted, ‘Let me just put on my slippers, I’m coming too’ and that’s when I got punched in the face.”

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price. The motorcycle is missing a seal, though, so whenever it rains Steve has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

Steve’s girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents one evening. He drives his new motorcycle to his girlfriend’s house.

She is waiting outside for him when he arrives. &quotNo matter what happens at dinner tonight, don’t say a word. Our family had a fight a while ago about doing the dinner dishes. We haven’t done any since… and the first person to speak at dinner has to do them.”

Steve sits down for dinner and soon notices that his girlfriend wasn’t exaggerating. It is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen and nobody is saying a word. Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her onto the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her father is obviously livid, and her mother is horrified. Yet, when Steve and his girlfriend resume their placs at the dinner table, nobody says a word.

A few minutes later, Steve grabs his girlfriend’s mom, throws her onto the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her father is boiling, and her mother is a little more pleased. But still, there is complete silence at the table.

Suddenly, there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle outside and so he jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline.

With a look of terror in his eyes, the girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and exclaims, &quotOkay, enough already, I’ll do the damn dishes!”

BILL GATES . . . . . Better listen to what he has to say . . . To anyone with kids of any age, here’s some advice. Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world. Love him or hate him, he sure hit the nail on the head with this!

Rule 1: Life is not fair – get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won’t be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping – they called it “opportunity”.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent’s generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they’ll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer.

This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.

If you agree, pass it on.

If you can read this – Thank a teacher!

If you receive this via an email and reading this on the computer – Thank Bill Gates.

Twxumxhzaxxzrzxzzax  tiwxxzmwxwwezz kzhwxzawxrzwaxxb kzawrnxwzaz twzxhza kwxzawrx diwxzyxwa.
?
?
?
?
Is sms men se W X or Z delete karo aik V.I.P sms mily ga;-)

One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.

But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn’t care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.

Soon comes a little girl that asks “Sir, what’s under the newspaper?”

The man replies with “it’s a birdy and never ever touch it.”

He soon falls asleep.

Later on when he wakes up, he’s in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.

Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said “well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it’s neck, stepped on it’s eggs, and burned it’s nest.”

One day Little Johnny walks up to his Mom and says, “Mommy, is God Black or White?”

She replies, “Well, Honey, God is both Black and White.”

Then he says, “Mommy, is God a boy or a girl?”

“God is both a boy and a girl, Honey,” she replies.

“Mommy, is God gay or straight?” he inquires again.

Getting a little irritated, the mother replies, “Well, Honey, God is both gay and straight.”

After thinking for a moment, Johnny looks up and asks, “Mommy, is God Michael Jackson?”

Little Johnny’s father said, “let me see your report card.”
Johnny replied, “I don’t have it.”
“Why not?” His father asked.
“My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.”

One day Little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Little Johnny’s father said, “Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle??? Wait until Christmas!”
Christmas came around, and Little Johnny asked again. The father said, “Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry kiddo. Ask me again some other time.”
Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.
Little Johnny said, “Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were ‘pulling out,’ and mommy said that ‘you should wait because she was coming, too….’
“And I’ll be DAMNED if I’m gonna stuck with your $80,000 mortgage!”

Little Johnny’s father said, “let me see your report card.”

Johnny replied, “I don’t have it.”

“Why not?” His father asked.

“My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.”