Its All About Jokes

I got my four Sir

There’s a guy from ARMY driving from West Point to the Meadowlands, a guy from the NAVY was
driving from Annapolis to the Meadowlands, and an Air Force guy who’s driving from McGwire in
South Jerz to the Meadowlands just to watch the Jets.

In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other and all cars go
flying off in different directions. The squid manages to climb out of his car and survey the
damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, “Man, I am really lucky to be alive!” Likewise
the ARMY guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. The Air Force guy just shakes
his head and says to himself, “I can’t believe I survived this wreck!”

The NAVY guy walks over to the ARMY and Air Force guys and says, “Hey guys, I think this is a
sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of
arch rivals.” The ARMY guy thinks for a moment and says, “You know, you’re absolutely right!
We should be friends.”

The Air Force guy says “Let me see what else survived this wreck.” So he pops open his trunk
and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.

He says to the NAVY and Army guys, “I think this is another sign from God that we should toast
to our new found understanding and friendship.” The Swabbie says, “You’re right!” and he grabs
the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly a third of the
bottle the Squid hands it to the ARMY guy and says, “Your turn! The ARMY guy sucks down a third
and hands the bottle back to the Air Force guy.

The Air Force guy puts the cap back on the bottle and says, “I think I’ll wait for the cops to
show up.”

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was

walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, “I guess when I die

you’ll come and dance on my grave.”

The cadet replied, “Not me, Sarge…no sir!
I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I’d never stand in

another line!”

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their

country in the Falkland Island Crisis.

Upon returning to England from the South American island, three

soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to

the General’s office. “Since we weren’t actually at war,” the General

began, “I can’t give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each

of you know your efforts were appreciated.

What we’ve decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on

your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of

distance between those parts. We’ll start on the left, boys, so

what’ll it be?”

Soldier 1: “The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!” General: “Very good

son, that’s 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds”

Soldier 2: “The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip

of the other, sir!”

General: “Even better son, that’s 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds”

Soldier 3: “The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!”

General: “That’s a strange but fair request, son!

As the general begins the measurement: “What! Son, where is your left

pinky?”

Soldier 3: “Falkland Island, sahr!”

A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:

“Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley’s Comet will be

visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have

the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain

this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to

see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them

films of it.”

EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:

“By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley’s Comet will

appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in

fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will

take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years.”

COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:

“By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow

evening. The phenomenal Halley’s Comet will appear in the theater. In

case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another

order, something which occurs once every 75 years.”

LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:

“Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with

Halley’s comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains,

the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area.”

SERGEANT TO SQUAD:

“When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old

General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet

through the battalion area theater in fatigues.”

There was a young man in the Air Force who was so well-
endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three Air Force
doctors and one Air Force nurse were in the operating room to
remedy the situation. The first doctor said, “We’ll just take a
big hunk off the end.” They discussed it and decided that
would affect his sensitivity.

The second doctor said, “We’ll just take a big hunk out of the
middle of it.” They discussed this, and decided it would change
the texture and feel of it.

The third doctor said, “We’ll just take a big hunk off the base of
it.” They discussed this, too, and agreed that it might give him
erection problems.

The doctors heard a sniffling, and looked over at the nurse who
had tears running down her cheeks. The nurse cried, “Can’t we
just make his legs longer?”

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment,

and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young

Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out

“Sir, Good Evening, Sir!”

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said

“Good evening soldier, nice night, isn’t it?”

Well it wasn’t a nice night, but the Private wasn’t going to disagree

with the General, so the he saluted again and replied “Sir, Yes Sir!”.

The General continued, “You know there’s something about a stormy

night that I find soothing, it’s really relaxing. Don’t you agree?”

The Private didn’t agree, but them the private was just a private, and

responded “Sir, Yes Sir!”

The General, pointing at the dog, “This is a Golden Retriever, the

best type of dog to train.”

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said “Sir, Yes

Sir!”

The General continued “I got this dog for my wife.”

The Private simply said “Good trade Sir!”

A visitor, returning to Kuwait for the first time since the Gulf War,

was impressed by a sociological change. On previous visits she noted

that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.

She observed that the men now walked over 20 paces BEHIND their wives!

She approached one of the women for an explanation: “What enabled

women here to achieve this marvellous reversal of roles?”

“Land mines,” replied the Kuwaiti woman.

“Were you in the service?” ask the interviewer.

“Yes, I was a marine,” responded the applicant.

“Did you see any active duty?”

“I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability.”

“May I ask what happened?”

“Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both
testicles.”

“You’re hired. You can start Monday at 10 am.”

“When does everyone else start? I don’t want any preferential
treatment because of my disability.”

“Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with
you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit
around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first.”

General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his

colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie

arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both

walk around the place, and McKensie asks: “So how are your men?”

“Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie.”

“I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you

could see they’re the bravest men all over the country.” “Well, my men

are very brave, too.”

“I’d like to see that.”

So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: “Private Johnson! I want

you to stop that tank coming here with your body!”

“Are you crazy? It’d kill me, you idiot! I’m out of here!” As private

Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:

“You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general.”