JokesArcade

A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the

ship after an evening of partying ashore.

As they climbed the gangway, the captain threw up all over himself.

Pointing to an apprentice seaman above, him he shouted, “Give that man

five days in the brig for vomiting!”

The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that

the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief

mate why.

“Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he’d also took a

dump in your pants.”

The British Military writes OFR’s (officer fitness reports). The form

used
for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following

are
actual excerpts taken from people’s “206′s”….

- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

- I would not breed from this Officer.

- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been,
but more of a definitely won’t-be.

- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there.

- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire
satisfaction.

- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

- Technically sound, but socially impossible.

- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope – always spinning

around
at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny;

since then
he has aged considerably.

- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from

port to
port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to

dig.

- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to

achieve
them.

- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

- This Officer should go far – and the sooner he starts, the better.

- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250

feet.

- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat

in a
trap

- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

- Only occasionally wets himself under pressure

Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.

“Why, my outfit was so well drilled,” declared one, “that when they

presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click.”

“Very good,” conceded the other, “but when my company presented arms

you’d just hear slap, slap, jingle.”

“What was the jingle?” asked the first. “Oh,” replied the other

offhand, “just our medals.”

Two men were boasting to each other about their old army
days. “Why, my outfit was so well drilled,” declared one, “that
when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap,
click.”

“Very good,” conceded the other, “but when my company
presented arms you’d just hear slap, slap, jingle.”

“What was the jingle?” asked the first.

“Oh,” replied the other off hand, “just our medals.”

An Australian Combat Field Engineer Sergeant and a U.S Marine were on

exchange duty and were sharing the latrines.

The Aussie Sergeant finished first and walked out without washing his

hands. The U.S Marine watched in disgust, finished his squirt, washed

his hands and walked up to the Aussie Sergeant and said. ” In the U.S

Marine Corps we were taught to wash our hands after a leak”.

The rather large Aussie Sergeant replied, ” In the Australian Army

mate, we were taught not to piss on our hands! ”

The Captain called the Sergeant in. “Sarge, I just got a telegram that

Private Jones’ mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him

in to see me.”

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the

troops. “Listen up, men,” says the Sergeant. “Johnson, report to the

mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The

rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the

way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.”

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. “Hey,

Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died.

Couldn’t you be a bit more tactful, next time?”

“Yes, sir,” answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with,

“Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath’s mother died.

You’d better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more

tactful.”

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. “Ok, men, fall in and

listen up.” “Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward.” “Not so

fast, McGrath!”

At the morning roll call at Fort Dix, the sergeant called out,
“Platoon, atten-HUT! Private Martinez, report to the office. Your
brother died last night.”
The Chaplain, Rabbi Horowitz, looked on in horror. “Sergeant,” he said
afterwards, “that’s a rather cruel and unfeeling way to break tragic
news. We must be more gentle and less abrupt in the future,”
The sergeant shrugged. “Yes sir. I’ll try to remember that.” He didn’t
look very convinced.
Several days later, a call came in about another family death. As the
troops were assembling for roll call, the Chaplain stepped forward.
“Let me take this one, sergeant”, he said. He turned toward the
sleepy-looking soldiers and said, “Platoon, atten-HUT !” They came to
attention. “Good morning, men!” he said. “Good morning, sir”, they
replied. “Men, today is Mother’s Day, and I hope all of you will be
calling home to send your moms a loving thought. In fact, all of you
who are fortunate enough to still have a mother who’s alive and well,
take two steps forward. Private Jones; not so fast!”

Two good ol’ boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted from Privates to

Sergeants.
Not long after, they’re out for a walk and Bubba says, “Hey, Junior –

there’s the NCO Club. Let’s you and me stop in and have us a drank.”

“But we’s privates,” protests Junior.
“NO, we’s sergeants now,” says Bubba, pulling him inside
“Now, Junior, I’m gonna sit down and have me a drank.”
“But, we’s privates,” says Junior.
“You blind, boy!” says Bubba, pointing at his stripes. “We’s Sergeants

now!”

So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.
“You’re cute,” she says, “and I’d like to take you someplace and make

you feel good — but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhea.”

Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, “Junior, go look in

the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it’s good, give

me the okay sign.”

Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay

sign.
Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible

case of gonorrhea.
“Junior,” he says, “What you give me the okay for?!”

“Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the

privates.”
Then he pointed to his stripes and says, “But we’s Sergeants now!

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for

a 3-day pass.

The CO says “Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you

already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that

recognition!”

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked “How did you do it?”

“Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs.

I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up,

the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, “Do

you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!”

During WW II an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe
for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a
supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a
train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find
a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train
looking for any place to sit down.
Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was
room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper

looking,
older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside

her.
“Could I please sit in that seat?” he asked.
The lady was insulted. “You bloody Americans are so rude”, she said,
“can’t you see my dog is sitting there”?
He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat.
He found himself back at the same place.
“Lady I love dogs – have a couple at home – so I would be glad to hold
your dog if I can sit down”, he said.
The lady replied, “You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant”.
He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally
said,
“Lady, I’ve been on the front lines in Europe for three months with
not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold

your
dog?”
The lady replied, “You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you
are also obnoxious.”
With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog,
threw it out the window, and sat down.
The lady was speechless.
An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat
spoke up. “Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the
lady’s description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do

a lot
of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold

your
fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch

out
of the window.”