JokesArcade

What to do if you fall into a conversation with someone about the

terrorist attacks who doesn’t believe in retaliation:

1. Engage in conversation, and ask if military force is appropriate.

2. When he says “No,” ask, “Why not?”

3. Wait until he says something to the effect of “Because that would

just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful and we should

not cause more violence.”

4. When he’s in mid sentence, punch him in the face as hard as you

can.

5. When he gets back up to punch you, point out that it would be a

mistake and contrary to his values to strike you, because that would

be awful and he should not cause more violence.

6. Wait until he agrees, and has pledged not to commit additional

violence.

7. Punch him in the face again, harder this time.

8. Repeat steps 5 through 8 until he understands that sometimes it is

necessary to punch back.

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One

finally ran up, panting heavily.

“Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little

late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke

down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles,

and now I’m here.”

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he

was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came

up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus

but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought

a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the

first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the

General, panting heavily.

“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus

but missed it, I hailed a cab but…”

“Let me guess,” the General interrupted, “it broke down.”

“No,” said the G.I., “there were so many dead horses in the road, it

took forever to get around them.”

A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part
of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines,
the captain asked for questions.

Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, “If we do happen
to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?”

“Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air
and scatter oneself over a wide area.”

Twas the night before Payback…

‘Twas the night before Payback and all through the land,
The Taliban are running like rabbits in Afghanistan.
Osama’s been praying, he’s down on his knees,
He’s hoping that Allah will hear all his pleas.

He thought if he killed us that we’d fall and shatter,
But all that he’s done is just make us madder.
We haven’t yet forgotten our Marines in Beirut,
And we’ll kick your ass, with one heavy boot.

And yes we remember the USS Cole,
And the lives of our sailors that you bastards stole.
You think you can rule us and cause us to fear,
You’ll soon get the answer if you live to hear.

And we ain’t forgotten your buddy Saddam,
And he ain’t forgotten the sound of our bombs.
You think that those mountains are somewhere to hide,
They’ll go down in history as the place where you died.

Remember Khadhafi and his line of death?
He came very close, to his final breath.
So come out and prove it, that you are a man,
Cause our boys are coming and they have a plan.

They are our Fathers and they are our Sons,
And they sure do carry some mighty big Guns.
They would have stayed home, with Children and Wives,
Till you bastards came here and took all these Lives.

Osama I wrote this especially for you,
For air mail delivery by B-52.
You soon will be hearing a thud and a whistle,
Old Glory is coming, attached to a missile.

I won’t be sorry to see your cowardly ass go,
It’s Red, White, and Blue that’s running this show!

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval

ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in

October, 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on

November 10, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid

a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to

avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert

YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND

LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED

BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I

DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT’S ONE FIVE

DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE

SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

A solider stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the

States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time
and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent

the best one she could find, along with several dozen
lesson & music books.

Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and thru the front door.

“Oh darling” he gushed, “Come here… let me look
at you… let me hold you ! Let’s have a fine dinner out, then make

love all night. I’ve missed your lovin’ so much !”

The wife, keeping her distance, said, “All in good time lover. First,

let’s hear you play that harmonica.”

An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and

asks -
“What’s your problem, Soldier?”
“Chronic syphilis, Sir!”
“What treatment are you getting?”
“Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!”
“What’s your ambition?”
“To get back to the front lines, Sir!”
“Good man!” says the Major.

He goes to the next bed.
“What’s your problem, Soldier?”
“Chronic piles, Sir!”
“What treatment are you getting?”
“Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!”
“What’s your ambition?”
“To get back to the front lines, Sir!”
“Good man!” says the Major.

He goes to the next bed.
“What’s your problem, Soldier?”
“Chronic gum disease, Sir!”
“What treatment are you getting?”
“Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!”
“What’s your ambition?”
“To get to the front of the line and get the wire brush before the

other two – Sir!”

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would

personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our

armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be

opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a

pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a

Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff

walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.

He looked at the first young man and asked, “Son, what skills can you

bring to the Air Force?”

The young man looks at him and says, “I’m a pilot!”

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, “Get him in

today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!”

The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second

young man and asked, “What skills to you bring to the Air Force?”

The young man says, “I chop wood!”

“Son,” the general replies, “we don’t need wood choppers in the Air

Force, what do you know how to do?”

“I chop wood!”

“Young man,” huffs the general, “you are not listening to me, we don’t

need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!”

“Well,” the young man says, “you hired my brother!”

“Of course we did,” says the general, “he’s a pilot!”

The young man rolls his eyes and says, “So what! I have to chop it

before he can pile it!”