JokesArcade

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show.

On the table was an upside-down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner, Banta.

After some wheeling and dealing they settled for Rs 35,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, “Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn`t dance a single step!“

“Well,“ said Banta, “Did you remember to light a candle under the pot?“

It happens every spring: crocuses, baseball (with any luck), and the switch to
Daylight Savings Time (DST).

Coming off DST is not hard. In the Fall, we set our clocks back one hour. We
all get an extra hour to sleep, and those who forget find themselves at church,
or the airport, or wherever an hour early. Embarassing, but not catastrophic.

But in the Spring we set the clocks forward, and the trouble begins. We lose
an hour of sleep. Forgetful people miss Mass, planes, breakfast, and the big
game on TV. Some are thrown into disarray for up to a full week. Annual
losses due to DST confusion have been estimated (by me) at over a million
dollars. I myself have missed a flight to Washington and a showing of The
Seven Samurai because of DST.

There is no need for such tragic waste. We can — we should and must — urge
our lawmakers to reform Daylight Savings Time as follows:

Setting clocks back is easy; setting them forward is difficult. Therefore, let
us keep the fall ritual as it is. However, one Sunday each Spring, let us set
our clocks not one hour forward, but TWENTY-THREE HOURS BACKWARD.

Think of all the advantages. We will not lose an hour of sleep; we will gain
(almost) a day of rest. It will be Saturday all over again. You will never
again miss Confession, or an airplane, or the Redskins game.

Naturally, if this were the whole plan, our calendars would fall behind one day
in each year. However, the second part of the Revised DST Plan deals with
this. Every four years, instead of adding a day, let us SUBTRACT THREE DAYS.
Furthermore, let these be Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, which according to
recent polls are the least popular days.

If done in February, which seems reasonable considering what a miserable month
it is, this would have the beneficial side effect of shortening the
excruciating presidential primary season by an effective four days.

The advantages of this plan are clear. Let us waste no time. With a determine
d
effort we can have Reformed Daylight Savings Time by Spring of next year.

Write your congressperson today!

There were three boys. one named zip, one named willy and one named pee. they ran away from school but they were chased by the headteacher so zip hid on top of a wardrobe, willy hid inside it and pee stood next to it. soon enough, the headteacher saw the cupboard and at that moment it was break time so all the kids were coming out of class. the headteacher was unaware of this and shouted ZIP DOWN! WILLY OUT! PEE IN THE CORNER!

First year students at Medical School were receiving Their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, “In medicine,it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you should not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.”

The Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.

“Go ahead and do the same thing,” he told his students. The students initially freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the anus of the corpse and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at the class and told them,
“The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger but sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention!”

Ram and Sham were talking together

RAM:do you drink?
SHAM:no,no at all.
RAM:do you smoke?
SHAM:no,not at all.
RAM:do you do anything which is not socially acceptable?
SHAM:yes,I just tell lies.

Dracula met Frankenstein in the street one day. Drackie says to Frankie; “You know, you’re better than all my friends put together…….Come to think of it, you ARE all my friends put together!”

It was a poor…..a hungry, thirsty bum. He was looking for food in a garbage can, when suddenly he finds a can of beer. He opens the can and a magic genie comes out.

“You get three wishes, be very careful and don‘t spoil them.“

“OK, OK,“ and without hesitation he says, “first I want to be white. Second, I want a lot of girls, naked girls, beautiful girls sitting on my face! And third, I want plenty to drink…. lots of water.

Bam, presto…the Magic Genie turned him into…….a toilet!

BREAKFAST
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz glass skim milk

LUNCH
4 oz lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed zucchini
1 Oreo cookie

MID-AFTERNOON SNACK
rest of the package of Oreo cookies
1 quart Rocky Road ice cream
1 jar hot fudge

DINNER
2 loaves garlic bread
1 large pepperoni & mushroom pizza
1 large pitcher of beer
3 Milky Way candy bars
1 entire cheesecake

DIET TIPS
1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar,
they cancel each other out.
3. When eating with someone else, calories dont count
if you both eat the same amount.
4. Foods used for medicinal purpose have no calories.
These include any chocolate used for energy,
brandy, cheesecake, and ice cream.
5. Cookie pieces contain no calories, because breakage
causes the calories to leak out.
6. If you eat food from someone else’s plate, the
calories don’t count.
7. Movie related snacks are much lower in calories because
they are part of the entertainment, and not ones
of personal fuel.

there was a man whose name was red. he painted himself red and he painted his house red. he got in the shower. knock, knock. it was the postman. he put a towel on, went to answer the door. he got back in the shower. knock knock. it was the milkman. he put a towel on and answered the door. he went back to the shower. knock knock knock. that was mr jimmmy, the blind neighbor. he didn’t put on a towel, knowing he was blind, opened the door and mr jimmy said i’ve got my sight back!’ he then saw that red as naked so he ran across the road but got ploughed down by a truck. what is the stories morale? don’t cross the road when the red man is flashing

Two married men are in a pub discussing their love life when one says, “Have you ever tried playing doctor?”

His mate says, “No what’s it like?”

The man replies, “It’s amazing me and my wife were playing for the whole of last night must of been about 10 hours.”

His mate, shocked says, “10 hours!? How the hell did you manage that long?”

“I just left her in waiting room for 9 and a half hours.”