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After being with her all evening, the man couldn’t take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, “I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.”
“Thank heavens,” his date replied. “If yours hadn’t, mine would have had to!”
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A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving.
The female officer tells the man, “Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be held against you.“
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This man, his wife and their Border Collie, Maisy were out for a drive in the country one afternoon in their new convertible, with the top down. The husband and wife were enjoying the scenery as they drove along. While unbeknownst to them, Maisy gave birth to seven puppies while laying on the back seat of the automobile. The couple continued to drive along, unaware of the new arrivals. Soon the road began to deteriorate and was beginning to become quite rough. Suddenly, the car ran over a deep pothole in the road, and one of Maisy’s puppies bounced up and out of the car, landing on the roadway just in front of a police car that had been following the man and his wife.
The police officer switched on his lights and siren, and soon had the couple pulled over to the side of the road. What are you pulling me over for? Queried the startled driver. The officer responded, “I pulled you over for creating a “Road Hazard, for other drivers!” What hazard? Asked the man. “A puppy bounced out of your car and put myself, and several other drivers at risk, trying to avoid hitting it.” Now your Drivers License and Proof of Insurance please. Thank you Sir… And the ‘Bitches’ name, Sir. Hey! How dare you call my wife a bitch! Sir, I was referring to the dog! Oh… Her name is Maisy. What do you want her name for, officer? Well Sir, after I write your ticket for “Endangering Vehicular Traffic”, I am going to cite your dog, Maisy, for Littering!
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There are two ants living in a girl’s pair of panties.
One day they decide to go exploring in the caves. They said to meet back in the same spot in and hour.
So, one ant went in one cave, and the other ant in a different cave. After an hour went by, the two ants met back up.
One ant was covered in brown, sticky, smelly stuff. “Eeew!, What was your cave like” asked the other ant.
“It was nice at first, but it soon became really smelly and the walls were all dark and sticky” replied the ant. “So how was your cave ?”.
“Well” he said, “It was lovely at first, all pink and warm, but then this bald guy started head butting me and then spitting on me.”
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After being with her all evening, the man couldn’t take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, “I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.”
“Thank heavens,” his date replied. “If yours hadn’t, mine would have had to!”
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Santa comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work.
The little girl asks, “Daddy, I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?“
Feeling his wife, Jeeto`s gaze upon him, Santa explains, “Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn`t believe, she knows the computer system, and is very efficient.“
“Oh,“ says the little girl, “I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch.“
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Santa bought a brand new Maruti and decided to drive down from Amritsar, where he lived, to Jalandhar to meet his friend. He reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, he decided to return, and called up his mother to expect him in the evening. But he did not reach in the evening, and not the next day either.
When he finally reached home on the third day, his distraught mother ran and asked him, “Arre Puttar, ki hoya ?“
Santa got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, “Oy, ye Mrutti wale paagal ho gaye hain! Agge jaane waaste chaar gear banaae hain, aur pichche jaane waaste sirf ik ?“ (These Maruti guys have gone crazy, they ve made four gears for going forward and just one for going back!)
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Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, “Red, I’m going to screw your brains out!”
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a magnum gun and pointed it at him and said, “No you’re not! You’re going to eat me, just like it says in the book!”
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An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, “What is this, Father?” The father [never having seen an elevator] responded “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, “Go get your mother.”
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Moneys short times are hard heres a fucking chritstmas card
It was the night before christmas and all through the house everybody felt shitty even the mouse.
Moms at the whore house Dads smokin’ grass I just settled down for a nice piece of ass.
When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter I went outside to see whats the matter
Out on the lawn I saw a big dick I knew at that moment it must be saint nick.
He came out the chiminey like a bat out of hell I knew at that moment that fucker had fell.
He filled all the stockings with pretzels and beer and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.
He went up the chiminy with just one fart, I knew right then he blew my chiminy apart.
He rode off out of sight saying fuck u all and have a good night!
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