JokesArcade

After being with her all evening, the man couldn’t take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, “I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.”

“Thank heavens,” his date replied. “If yours hadn’t, mine would have had to!”

Santa comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work.

The little girl asks, “Daddy, I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?“

Feeling his wife, Jeeto`s gaze upon him, Santa explains, “Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn`t believe, she knows the computer system, and is very efficient.“

“Oh,“ says the little girl, “I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch.“

Santa bought a brand new Maruti and decided to drive down from Amritsar, where he lived, to Jalandhar to meet his friend. He reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, he decided to return, and called up his mother to expect him in the evening. But he did not reach in the evening, and not the next day either.

When he finally reached home on the third day, his distraught mother ran and asked him, “Arre Puttar, ki hoya ?“

Santa got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, “Oy, ye Mrutti wale paagal ho gaye hain! Agge jaane waaste chaar gear banaae hain, aur pichche jaane waaste sirf ik ?“ (These Maruti guys have gone crazy, they ve made four gears for going forward and just one for going back!)

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, “Red, I’m going to screw your brains out!”

To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a magnum gun and pointed it at him and said, “No you’re not! You’re going to eat me, just like it says in the book!”

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, “What is this, Father?” The father [never having seen an elevator] responded “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, “Go get your mother.”

Moneys short times are hard heres a fucking chritstmas card

It was the night before christmas and all through the house everybody felt shitty even the mouse.

Moms at the whore house Dads smokin’ grass I just settled down for a nice piece of ass.

When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter I went outside to see whats the matter

Out on the lawn I saw a big dick I knew at that moment it must be saint nick.

He came out the chiminey like a bat out of hell I knew at that moment that fucker had fell.

He filled all the stockings with pretzels and beer and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.

He went up the chiminy with just one fart, I knew right then he blew my chiminy apart.

He rode off out of sight saying fuck u all and have a good night!

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, “What is this, Father?” The father [never having seen an elevator] responded “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, “Go get your mother.”

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

“You’ve been such exemplary statues,” he announced to them, “That I’m going to give you a special gift. I’m going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want.” And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

“You still have fifteen more minutes,” said the angel, being naughty and winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, “Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I’ll crap on it’s head.”

One day a man went on a buissness trip to Florida.

He had saw this hooker and he asked “How much for a hand job?”

The hooker replied “100 Bucks”

The man said “100 Bucks, That’s a lot of got damn money”

So the hooker pulled him to the side and said “See that Mercedes, I paid for that by giving hand jobs.”

So he gave her the money and received the best hand he had ever had.

The next day he sees her and asks “How much for a head job?”

She said “200 dollars”

“200 dollars that’s a lot of money”

She pulled him to the side and said “You see that yahat by the pier, I paid for that yahat by giving head jobs.”

So he gives her the money, and get the best head job of his life

On hist last day in Florida he returns to the hooker and says “The hand job was good, the head job was great how much for the whole package.”

“1000 dollars’

“1000 dollars that’s a lot of god damn money”

So she pulled him to side and said “You see that island, I could afford that if i had a pussy.”

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

“You’ve been such exemplary statues,” he announced to them, “That I’m going to give you a special gift. I’m going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want.” And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later of naughty fun, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

“You still have fifteen more minutes,” said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, “Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I’ll crap on it’s head.”