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Mostly peoples who used to have a job or business usually love to work in their office because they probably spend their most of the time which is approximately about 8 to 10 hours and it seems to be a massive proportion of their daily life. So when they become habbitual of it, they really enjoy being worked in office and without which they feel quite bore. Cracking jokes is the best way to keep the interest in work consicously because it gives some relaxation and pleasure to their mind and it really works. Therefore We have gathered some nice collection of new ofice jokes / funny office jokes all of which are good actually best and clean office jokes. If your office is open on friday also you can find friday jokes also here. All of these are funniest and hilarious office jokes and you can crack all these jokes at office. Besides we also have other office humor which includes office birthday jokes for celebrating birthday of your colleagues in office and office christmas jokes for enjoying christmas. Here You will also find office computer jokes, office practical and meeting jokes and pranks, office inside jokes, short office jokes and one liners.
Today everybody is busy in their work (jokes about work). In such state if work is accompanied with some free and funny work jokes from the clean and best work jokes found on internet than you would be auspicious. Our hilarious work jokes includes office, friday and monday work jokes. All of these workplace jokes are work friendly and suitable jokes which makes really sense. Some of these social work related jokes also talk about work knock knock jokes, work life balance and christmas work jokes. They can also be classified as short and work safe jokes.
We deliver you the best quality business jokes you would never ever found on internet. All of which are funny business jokes and quite related to business or you can say that these are jokes for business. There are some short and small business jokes. These good and clean business jokes includes business related analyst and business meeting jokes also. So Have a blast!!
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fred did drugs no one liked fred;
fred ate a burrito, the end!
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The hotel Astor had hired a new bus driver and instructed him
to meet all incoming trains and announce at the depot in a very
loud voice, “Free bus to the hotel Astor!” On the way to the
station on his first trip her kept repeating to himself, “Free bus
to the hotel Astor, Free bus to the hotel Astor,” until he
memorized it letter perfect.
Upon his arrival at the station, however, he became confused at
all the noise and hub bub and started shouting as follows.
“Free hotel at the bust your Astor, I mean, Free ass at the
Hotel Bastard, I mean, Freeze your ass at the Hotel Buster, I
mean Squeeze your bust at the Hotel Faster, I mean, Bust
your ass at the Hotel Freezer, Oh shit…take a cab.”
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A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to
trick them into doing some work for a change.
“I’ve got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you,” he
announced. “Will the laziest man please put his hand up?”
Nine hands went up.
“Why didn’t you put your hand up?” he asked the tenth man.
“Too much trouble,” came the reply.
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* My stigmata’s acting up.
* I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
* I have a rare case of 48-hour wrist leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet…
* I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
* I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
* The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.
* I prefer to remain an enigma….it’s Monday.
* My stepmother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace.
* I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
* I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
* I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
* I was up on a ladder decorating the Christmas tree when my mother called me and told me I was Jewish.
* I’ve used up all my sick days…so I’m calling in dead!
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I woke up early, feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought,
“I’m another year older,” but decided to make the best of it. So I showered and
shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big
kiss and say, “Happy birthday, dear.” All smiles, I went in to breakfast, and
there sat my wife, reading her newspaper, as usual. She didn’t say one word. So
I got myself a cup of coffee, made some toast and thought to myself, “Oh well,
she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, smiling and happy, and they
will sing ‘Happy Birthday’ and have a nice gift for me.” There I sat, enjoying
my coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running into the kitchen,
yelling, “Give me a slice of toast! I’m late! Where is my coat? I’m going to
miss the bus!” Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office.
When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a great big smile
and a cheerful “Happy birthday, boss.” She then asked if she could get me some
coffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better.
Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, “Since
it’s your birthday, why don’t we have lunch together?” Thinking it would make
me feel better, I said, “That’s a good idea.” So we locked up the office, and
since it was my birthday, I said, “Why don’t we drive out of town and have
lunch in the country instead of going to the usual place?” So we drove out of
town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and a
nice lunch. We started driving back to town, when my secretary said, “Why don’t
we go to my place, and I will fix you another martini.” It sounded like a good
idea, since we didn’t have much to do in the office. So we went to her
apartment, and she fixed us some martinis. After a while, she said, “If you
will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable,” and she
left the room.
In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big
birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids. And there I sat with
nothing on but my socks.
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Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to
change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those
people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. Also, help me to be
careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I
may have to kiss tomorrow.
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These are from actual resumes:
“Personal: I’m married with 9 children. I don’t require prescription drugs.
“I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don’t let them know of my immediate availability.”
“Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I’m a class act and do not come cheap.”
“I intentionally omitted my salary history. I’ve made money and lost money. I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor. I prefer being rich.”
“Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.”
“Number of dependents: 40.”
“Marital Status: Often. Children: Various.”
RESUME BLOOPERS
“Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.”
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
“Responsibility makes me nervous.”
“They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn’t work under those conditions.”
REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:
“Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.”
“I was working for my mom until she decided to move.”
“The company made me a scapegoat – just like my three previous employers.”
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
“While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.”
“I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.”
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
“Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.”
“My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.”
“I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.”
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
“Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.”
PERSONAL INTERESTS:
“Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.”
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
“Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.”
“Work Experience: Dealing with customers’ conflicts that arouse.”
“Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.”
“I’m a rabid typist.”
“Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.”
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How do you annoy an archaeologist?
give him a tampon and ask what period it came from,
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Like a lot of young women these days, one of our secretaries had
worked long and hard to put her boyfriend through college. After he
graduated and passed his bar exam, I asked her if they planned to be
married soon.
She looked at me with a big smile and said, “Oh no! Not right away. I
want him to practice for at least six months first.”
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