You know how it is when you’re reading a book and falling asleep, you’re reading, reading . . . And all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I’m like that all the time.

Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and asked her, “Do you live around here often?” She said, “You’re wearing two different colored socks.” I said, “Yes, but to me they’re the same because I go by thickness.” Then she asked, “How do you feel?” and I said, “Well, you know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.”

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one . . . It wasn’t doing what I was doing.

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me–and I didn’t hear it.

I wrote a song, but I can’t read music so I don’t know what it is. Every once in a while I’ll be listening to the radio and I say, “I think I might have written that.”

He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, “Yes, but not right now.”

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension.

I was a big fan of the Simpson’s, can you believe how long the show has been around? Everyone has their favorite characters, but mine is definately Homer. This guy says the funniest (and often completely true) things. Here is a list of the all time best Homer Simpson quotes ever. 1. Son, when you [...]

How many rednecks, does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three. One to hold the bulb, and two to turn the ladder.

I’ve been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it. My watch is three hours fast, and I can’t fix it. So I’m going to move to New York. I like to reminisce with people I don’t know. I like to skate on [...]

These things are classic… and no joke site can claim true supremacy on the world wide web without posting occassion light bulb jokes (yes we’ve done this before). So, without further ado – F&J will teach you how to change a light bulb (energy saving of course), no matter what stereotype you fit into… Q: [...]

Tommy- ” Can you teach me to do the splits ” ? Gym Instructor- ” How flexible are you ” ? Tommy- ” Well..I can’t make Tuesday’s ” .

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, “Give me two boys and a girl.” I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time.” So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a [...]

Yo Mama So Ugly… she put the Boogie man outta business.

Happy Haloween! Figured we’d throw out a few one-liners to demostrate our holiday spirit! * What do Skeletons say before eating? Bone Appetite. * What do blondes and Jack-O-Lanterns have in common? Both have blank expressions and are hollow inside. * Why did the Vampire get fired from the Blood Bank? He was caught drinking [...]

Why do farts stink? So deaf people can enjoy them too.