Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and asked her, “Do you live around here often?” She said, “You’re wearing two different colored socks.” I said, “Yes, but to me they’re the same because I go by thickness.” Then she asked, “How do you feel?” and I said, “Well, you know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.”

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one . . . It wasn’t doing what I was doing.

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me–and I didn’t hear it.

I wrote a song, but I can’t read music so I don’t know what it is. Every once in a while I’ll be listening to the radio and I say, “I think I might have written that.”

He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, “Yes, but not right now.”

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension.

1. Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.
2. Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to Home Simpsonget one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!
3. What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway.
4. I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman.
5. Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.
6. Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin… but what good does that do me?
7. I hope I didn’t brain my damage.
8. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals… except the weasel.
9. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
10. How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
11. Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
12. Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!
13. How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.
14. You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.
15. Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk.

Well, that does it for me. If you’ve got anymore that I missed – or you have your own favorites, add them below in the comments. All the cool kids are doin’ it.

Three. One to hold the bulb, and two to turn the ladder.

My watch is three hours fast, and I can’t fix it. So I’m going to move to New York.

I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

I’m so hyper . . . [Said with a very dull voice.]

If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.

Four years ago . . . No, it was yesterday. Today I . . . No, that wasn’t me. Sometimes I . . . No, I don’t.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has to really WANT to change.
A2: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.

Q: How many ‘Real Women’ does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: A ‘Real Woman’ would have plenty of ‘real men’ around to do it.

Q: How many ‘Real Men’ does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: ‘Real Men’ aren’t afraid of the dark (guess the women are screwed).

Q: How many government workers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. Eighteen to stand around, one to change the bulb, and another to supervise.

Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.

Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.

Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.

Q: How many country singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, another to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.

Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they only screw the poor (ouch.. I can’t believe I posted this one).

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to refer an installation specialist, and another to bill it all to Medicare.

Q: How many college football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester’s credit for it too.

Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.

Ok folks, that’s all I’ve got for now. But hey, if you’ve got any more – post ‘em in the comments!

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time.” So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You’d think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

There’s a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

I used to be a waiter, but I was fired for clearing tables. I was clearing them for take off. I had them all lined up outside. People thought it was an outdoor cafe. I said, “No, these are leaving at 3.” They were going to fire me anyway, because I told them I thought they should put the wrapper on the inside of the straw since that’s the part you don’t want to get dirty.

I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.

Years ago, I worked in a natural, organic health food store in Seattle, Washington. One day a man walked in and asked, “If I can melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?” Two days later I was fired for eating cotton candy and drinking straight Bosco on the job.

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2×4 and a box of 3×5′s. The clerk said, “ten-four.”

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said “pet supplies.” So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said “compact cars”…

she put the Boogie man outta business.

* What do Skeletons say before eating? Bone Appetite.
* What do blondes and Jack-O-Lanterns have in common? Both have blank expressions and are hollow inside.
* Why did the Vampire get fired from the Blood Bank? He was caught drinking on the job.
* Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating? Women can see right through them.
* Why are Vampires Democrats? They wanted Gore in 2000.
* What kind of clothes do Zombies wear? Decay NY.
* Why aren’t there any famous skeletons? They’re a bunch of no bodies.
* What kind of music do Mummies listen to? Wrap.
* What do you call a guy turned on by a witch? Scared stiff.

Yea yea, we know (they kinda sucked). Better than nothing though, you gotta admit : )