JokesArcade

It’s a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they’d just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, “What for?” I said, “I’m going to buy some sugar.”

I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking”, but I don’t have that much time.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings . . . Boy With Pail . . . Kitten On Fire.

One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.

Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven’t had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.

One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.

Q: If there were 4 potatoes in a room, which one would be the prostitute?
A: The one that’s labeled “IDAHO”

In case you weren’t aware of it, there are internet geeks everywhere. You probably know a few, in fact… you might even be one. Here are the top 10 signs that you might be, well, an internet geek.

10. When filling out your driver’s license application you give them your IP address.

9. You no longer ask prospective dates for their phone number, instead you ask for their myspace.

8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.

7. You’re amazed to find out spam is actually a food.

6. You “ping” people to see if they’re awake, “finger” them to find out how they are, and “AYT” them to make sure they’re listening to you.

5. You search the net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.

4. You introduce your wife as “my@home.wife” and refer to your children as “client applications”.

3. At social functions you introduce your husband as “my domain server”.

2. You often say “LOL” and “LMAO” out loud.

And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:

1. You’ve actually reached the end of the internet.

Why are divorces so expensive?

Because they are worth it.

Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

I’m moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes…

Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn’t pay for it.

I have a map of the United States… Actual size. It says, “Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.” I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, “E6″.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world . . . Perhaps you’ve seen it.

Q.How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A. It’s not hard.

Oh man these are good. Thanks to all our readers who sent in jokes for us to post, we’ve been saving these shorties up until we had enough to post a few at once. Bon appetite! PS – if you trash these like you did the last time… I’ll… I’ll… post some more! Don’t tempt me!

Q: Why did the dog cross the road?
A: To get away from Michael Vick, of course!

Q: Why are Mexicans so bad at the Olympics?
A: Because anyone who can run, swim or jump is already in the United States!

Q: Why did the fish get kicked out of school?
A: He was caught with seaweed! (Ok, that’s lame)

Q: What’s the longest sentence known to man?
A: I Do.

Random: I got in a fight with my wife last night… and it was totally my fault. She asked me what was on the TV and i said… dust. Didn’t go so well after that.

A Shortie: Osama bin Laden wanted to start a new Suicide Bomber’s Training Academy, but for some reason was unable to find qualified instructors with any field experience.

A Random Thought: Do you ever notice that when you’re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

Another Random Thought: So if crime doesn’t pay… does that mean my job is a crime? Is this blog a crime?

Ok folks, add your own in the comments…

Boss: You are Fired!
Employee: Why? I am such a steady worker!
Boss: Yes, If you were any steadier you would be motionless!

Q: What’s the definition of an Impotent Loser?
A: A guy who can’t even get his hopes up.