JokesArcade

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.

“Stanley,” responds the little boy.

“And what is your question, Stanley?”

Lincoln and JFK started politics 100 years apart.
Lincoln and JFK were elected to office 100 yrs apart.
Lincoln and JFKs’ vice president’s had the last name Johnson.
Lincoln and JFK have 7 letters in their last name.
Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy and Kennedy had a secretary

named Lincoln.
Here’s the BIG ONE: Lincoln, a week before his death, was in Monroe,

Maryland. Kennedy, a week before his death, was in Marilyn Monroe!!!!

A soldier ran up to a nun, out of breath, he asked, “Please may I hide

under your skirt? I’ll explain later”. The nun agreed.

A moment later two military police ran up and asked, “Sister have you

seen a soldier?”
The nun replied, “He went that way. ”

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under the skirt

and said, “I can’t thank you enough sister. You see, I don’t want to

go to Iraq. ”

The nun said she understood completely.

The soldier added, “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of

legs.”

The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have

seen a great pair of balls…. I don’t want to go to Iraq either”

WASHINGTON — Enlisted by members of the House and Senate, presidential

aide Rebecca Tandy brought a copy of the international climate-change

treaty to President Bush’s desk Monday and asked him to sign a

birthday document for a Japanese dignitary named “Kyoto Protocol.”

“Mr. Protocol really likes treaties, so we got him this treaty instead

of a card, so if you could just—all the other countries have already

signed it,” a nervous Tandy reportedly said to Bush, who quickly

scrawled his signature on the treaty and told her to tell Kyoto he

said “hi.” “And now, if you could just initial here, and here, and

here, and, oh, you can ignore all that stuff about sulfides. That’s

just an inside joke.”

In other news, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi later attempted to get Bush

to sign a “bar mitzvah stop-use agreement” for the son of Mr. and Mrs.

Ben Clusterbomb.

We, the sensible of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone

get
along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep

our
nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of

debt-free
liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby

try one
more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the
terminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional, and other liberal, commie,

pinko
bedwetters.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a whole lot of people

were
confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill

of No
Rights.

You do not have the right to a new car, big-screen color TV or any

other
form of wealth.

More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is

guaranteeing
anything.

You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based

on
freedom, and that means freedom for everyone — not just you! You may

leave
the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the

world
is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a

screwdriver
in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool

manufacturer
to make you and all of your relatives independently wealthy.

You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the

most
charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need,

but we
are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation

of
professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation

of
another generation of professional couch potatoes.

You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but

from
the looks of public housing, we’re just not interested in public

health care.

You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you

kidnap,
rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don’t be surprised if the

rest of
us get together and kill you.

You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob,

cheat,
or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don’t be

surprised
if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you

still
won’t have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.

You do not have the right to demand that our children risk their lives

in
foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive

governments
and won’t lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you’d like.
However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to

spend
so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a

military
uniform and a funny hat.

You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have

one,
and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to

take
advantage of the opportunities in education and vocational training

laid
before you to make yourself useful.

You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that

you
have the right to pursue happiness — which, by the way, is a lot

easier
if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by
those around you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

Before his infamous haircut on the tarmac, Clinton asked his stylist

Christophe, “How long will this take, how much will it cost, and how

good will this look?”

Christophe replied just ten minutes, cost $20, and look marvelous. An

hour and fifteen minutes later, Clinton looked into the mirror in

horror and Christophe handed him a bill for $200.

Clinton gasped, “You took too long, it doesn’t look that great, and it

is costing me ten times more than you said!”

Christophe replied, “That makes us even.”

One day as President Clinton was getting off the helicopter in front

of the White House, he had a baby pig under each arm.

The Marine guard snapped to attention, salutes, and said: ”Nice pigs,

sir.”

The President replied, ”These are not pigs, these are authentic

Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary, and I got one for

Chelsea.”

The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, ”Nice

trade, sir”’

It’s still the economy.
And he’s still stupid.

Clinton and Gore,
Gone in four!

Honk if Bill Clinton says you’re rich!

Bumper sticker on Arkansan car:

If you can read this
You’re not from here

Impeach Clinton!
And her husband, too!

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant

operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down

and looked over the menu…

Tourist: $5.00
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, “Why such a price

difference for the Politicians?”

The cook replied, “Have you ever tried to clean one? They’re so full

of crap, it takes all morning.”

Look, I can’t resist. We’ve posted a few Obama Jokes already, in fact

I think we’ve written something about Barack Obama five times in the

past month. Between the 2008 US elections and all the national

television spots running he’s been on TV more than those annoying

Subway commercials. Love or hate Barack, our readers love reading

jokes about him.