An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry an extraordinarily beautiful woman, so they could produce gorgeous children beyond compare. With that in mind he set out on a mission to find the perfect woman.

Shortly thereafter he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

“Well,” the Redneck replied, “they’re all lookin’ to get married, so you came to the right place. Why don’t you look ‘em over and pick the one you want?”

The man was ecstatic, and decided to take each one out to dinner to size them all up. The first night he dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man’s opinion.

“Well,” said the man, “she’s just a wee bit – not that you can hardly notice – pigeon-toed.”

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

“Well,” the man replied, “she’s just a wee bit – not that you can hardly tell – crosseyed.”

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, “She’s perfect, just perfect! She’s the one I want to marry.”

The redneck gave his blessing, so the couple was wed immediately. Months later their first baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

“Well,” explained the Redneck, “she was just a wee bit – not that you could hardly tell – pregnant when you met her.”

(Now at Camp Pendleton, San Diego, Marine Corps Recruit Training) Dear Ma and Pa: I am well. Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer that the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was [...]

More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.You think the stock market has a fence around it.You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.You’ve ever lost a loved one to kudzu.Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.Your front porch collapses and kills [...]

Two buddies are hunting in the woods when one says to the other, “Hey, i can see your house from here…and, wait! Your wife is in her room with some other guy.” The other says: “Alright, shoot her in the head, and shoot him in the privates.” The buddy replies: “Easy. I can make that [...]

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alabama to be as far away from humanity as possible. Sam sees the mailman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it’s total peace [...]

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then [...]

Definitions of Canadian Redneck (ca’na’dian’-red’neck’),n. 1. Disparaging Canadian, mainly found in the Canadian provinces of Alberta, Saskatchewan and western Manitoba. 2. An uneducated, Canadian farm laborer. 3. Also known as a Hick or Yokel. 4. A cousin of the southern U.S. redneck, but no relation to the Canadian Newfie

Christmas tree is still up in February. You’ve ever been arrested for loitering. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’ouvre. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice. You’ve ever shot anyone for [...]

A farmer walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, “May I help you?” The farmer said, “Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces.” The attorney said, “Well do you have any grounds?” The farmer said, “Yea, I got about 140 acres.” The attorney said, “No, you [...]

1. I thought Grace land was tacky.2. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it’s not safe.3. Do you think my hair is too big?4. Honey, did you mail that donation to Green peace?5. The tires on that truck are too big.6. I’ve got it all on a floppy disk.7. Do you think this [...]