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An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry an extraordinarily beautiful woman, so they could produce gorgeous children beyond compare. With that in mind he set out on a mission to find the perfect woman.
Shortly thereafter he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.
“Well,” the Redneck replied, “they’re all lookin’ to get married, so you came to the right place. Why don’t you look ‘em over and pick the one you want?”
The man was ecstatic, and decided to take each one out to dinner to size them all up. The first night he dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man’s opinion.
“Well,” said the man, “she’s just a wee bit – not that you can hardly notice – pigeon-toed.”
The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.
“Well,” the man replied, “she’s just a wee bit – not that you can hardly tell – crosseyed.”
The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, “She’s perfect, just perfect! She’s the one I want to marry.”
The redneck gave his blessing, so the couple was wed immediately. Months later their first baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
“Well,” explained the Redneck, “she was just a wee bit – not that you could hardly tell – pregnant when you met her.”
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(Now at Camp Pendleton, San Diego, Marine Corps Recruit Training)
Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer that the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay… practically nothing. Men got to shave but it’s not so bad… there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you ’til noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.
We go on “route marches,” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5′6? and 130 pounds and he’s 6′8? and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding on in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice
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More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.You think the stock market has a fence around it.You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.You’ve ever lost a loved one to kudzu.Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.You’ve ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.Your home has more miles on it than your car.
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Two buddies are hunting in the woods when one says to the other, “Hey, i can see your house from here…and, wait! Your wife is in her room with some other guy.”
The other says: “Alright, shoot her in the head, and shoot him in the privates.”
The buddy replies: “Easy. I can make that in one shot.”
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Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alabama to be as far away from humanity as possible.
Sam sees the mailman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it’s total peace and quiet.
After 6 months or so of almost total isolation, he’s finishing dinner one day when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there. “Name’s Enoch… Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge… Having a party Saturday… Thought you’d like to come.”
“Great,” says Sam, “after 6 months of this I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”
As Enoch is leaving he stops, “Gotta warn you there’s gonna be some drinking.” “Not a problem… After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of ‘em.”
Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. “More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fightin’ too.” Damn, Sam thinks… Tough crowd. “Well, I get along with people. I’ll be there. Thanks again.”
Once again Enoch turns from the door. “I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too.” “Now that’s not a problem,” says Sam, “Remember I’ve been alone for 6 months! I’ll definitely be there… By the way, what should I wear?”
Enoch stops in the door again and says, “Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us.”
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A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, “Paw, What’s ‘at?”
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I dunno. I ain’t never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain’t got no idea’r what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son, “Boy, go git yo Momma…”
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Definitions of Canadian Redneck (ca’na’dian’-red’neck’),n.
1. Disparaging Canadian, mainly found in the Canadian provinces of Alberta, Saskatchewan and western Manitoba.
2. An uneducated, Canadian farm laborer.
3. Also known as a Hick or Yokel.
4. A cousin of the southern U.S. redneck, but no relation to the Canadian Newfie
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Christmas tree is still up in February.
You’ve ever been arrested for loitering.
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’ouvre.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
You’ve ever shot anyone for looking at you.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your momma has “ammo” on her Christmas list.
You’ve totaled every car you’ve ever owned.
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A farmer walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, “May I help you?”
The farmer said, “Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces.”
The attorney said, “Well do you have any grounds?”
The farmer said, “Yea, I got about 140 acres.” The attorney said, “No, you don’t understand, do you have a case?”
The farmer said, “No, I don’t have a Case, but I have a John Deere.”
The attorney said, “No you don’t understand, I mean do you have a grudge?”
The farmer said, “Yea I got a grudge, that’s where I park my John Deere.”
The attorney said, “No sir, I mean do you have a suit?”
The farmer said, “Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.”
The exasperated attorney said, “Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?”
The farmer said, “No sir, we both get up about 4:30.”
Finally, the attorney says, “Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?”
And the farmer says, “Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her.”
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1. I thought Grace land was tacky.2. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it’s not safe.3. Do you think my hair is too big?4. Honey, did you mail that donation to Green peace?5. The tires on that truck are too big.6. I’ve got it all on a floppy disk.7. Do you think this ball cap goes with this shirt?8. Damned if that politician isn’t honest!9. We’re vegetarians. I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.10. You can’t feed that to the dog.
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