JokesArcade

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.” Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

“Whoa there Scotty!” said the doctor. “Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern down… I think there’s yet another wee one to come.” Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

“No, no, don’t be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man… It seems there’s yet another one besides!” cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. “Do ye think it’s the light that’s attractin’ them?”

The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) recently announced that, for the past three years, they jointly funded a project with two major US auto makers, Ford and Chevrolet, whereby the auto makers installed black boxes in all four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 10 seconds before a crash.

They were surprised to find in 45 of the 50 states that the last words of drivers in 63 percent of fatal crashes were, “Oh, Shit!” Only the states of Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, and Tennessee were different – where over 89 percent of final words were: “Hey ya’ll, hold my beer and watch

There are more than five McDonald’s bags currently on the floorboard of your car.

Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.

There is a wasp nest in your living room.

The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.

You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.

There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.

You burn your front yard rather than mow it.

You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

Fewer than half of your cars run.

You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

It was the first day of Third Grade in a new town for Little Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn’t get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, “That’s because you are from Alabama, Son.” The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It’s Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Little Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, “That’s because you are from Alabama, Son.” The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly “well-endowed”. This confused him. That night he told his dad, “Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I’m from Alabama?” he asked. “No, Son,” explained his Dad, “That’s because you’re 18.”

What’s the difference between a Yankee zoo and a Redneck zoo?

On the cage in a Yankee zoo, it will have the name of the animal and the scientific name in Latin.

A Southern zoo will have the name of the animal and a recipe.

Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, “chickens.”

“Chickens, eh?” says one guy. “Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?”

“Heck, ” says the guy with the bag, “iffin you guess right, I’ll give you both of ‘em.”

The other scratches his head and guesses, “Um… five?”

After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, “Miss, y’all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y’all to give me a piece of ass?”

“Lord, that’s the most direct proposition I’ve ever had!” gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, “Sure, why not? You’re nice lookin’ too and it’s pretty slow here right now, so why don’t we just slip away up to my room?”

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, “Will there be anything else, sir?”

“Why yes,” replied the southern gentleman. “Ah sure ‘preciate what y’all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Albama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y’all for a piece uh ass for mah drink.”

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, “I want my $20 million.”

The man replied, “No, sir. It doesn’t work that way. We give you a million today and then you’ll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.”

The Redneck said, “Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it.”

Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, “Look, I want my money! If you’re not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!”

Q: What has eighty feet and three teeth?

A: The front row of a Billy Ray Cyrus concert.

You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.

You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You and your dog use the same tree.

You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in
prison.

The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending upon how much gas
it has in it.