JokesArcade

There once was a rector from Kings,
Who’s mind was on Heavenly things,
But his heart was on fire,
For this boy in the choir,
Who’s ass was like jelly on springs.

A cop stops his police car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb. The chap is laying on his side with his trousers pulled down, the girl has her finger in his asshole, and she’s reaming away with a vengeance.

The cop says, “What the hell is going on here?”

The girl says, “This is my date. When I told him I wouldn’t spend the night with him, he started pounding down the booze. Now, he’s too drunk to drive me home, so I’m trying to sober him up by making him puke.”

The cop says, “That’s not gonna make him puke.”

She says, “Yeah? Wait till I switch this finger to his mouth.”

Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.

The doctor walks in and Michael asks: “Doctor, how long before we can have sex?”

The doctor replies, “I’d wait until he’s at least 14.”

Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine.

I only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick!

It’s damned good though – it does everything ………. KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, crisps ……..

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says, “Mummy, what are they doing?” The mother hesitates then quickly replies, “Ummm they are making cakes.”

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, “Making cakes.”

The next day the girl says to her mother, “Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?” Shocked, the mother asks, “How do you know?”

She says, “Because I licked the icing off the sofa.”

There were two guys taking a shower. They were playing with eachother and kissing. Then sombody knocked on the door so one of the guys was like im going to answer the door so dont finish without me right. So he went to go answer the door when he came their was cum all over the walls curtains, everywhere. The guy says to him i told you not to finish without me.

The other guy says i didnt…..I FARTED!

A lonely man is browsing the pet ads in his local paper looking for a pet. He comes accross an advert for an intelligent,adorable golden labrador free to good home. He calls the number and arranges to go and see the dog.

He arrives at the house and a man lets him in.
The man asks the owner “Does the dog have a pedigree ?”.
The owner replies “Ask him”.
“Ask him. Don’t be ridiculous”.
“Ask him. He’s in the kitchen”.
The man enters the kitchen, and sure enough there is the dog, a very handsome golden labrador.
Feeling a bit silly the man asks the the dog “Do have a pedigree ?”
To his astonishment, the dog replies.”Yes I have a pedigree I’m KC registered, both my mother and father have won best of breed at Crufts”. He continues “I worked for Customs & Excise at Heathrow airport, and I’ve been in several films and TV ads”.
Amazed the man says to the owner “What a great dog, he talks and he’s been a top sniffer dog, I don’t understand – why you want to give away such a brilliant dog ?”
The owner replies “I’m sick of his fuckin” lies”.

One day there was a little girl and it was her birthday, but her parents had to go out for the night so they hired a babysiter and told him to let the girl do whatever she wanted to do because it was her birthday.

So when the parents left, the little girl was playing and the babysiter got tired so he said “I’m going to take a shower and the little girl said “Oh, can I take a shower with you?” and the babysiter said ” Uh, O.K. Just don’t look down.”

When they were taking a shower the little girl dropped the shampoo and when she picked it up she saw his dick and said “What’s that?”

The guy said “Um, it’s a ruber ducky” and the girl says “O.K.”

Then the babysiter said “I’m tired I’m going to go to sleep.” and the girl says “Can I go to sleep with you?” and the guy says “Um, O.K. Just don’t look under the covers.”

So when they’re in the bed there’s a thunderstorm and the girl gets scared and hides under the covers. Then she looks at the guys dick and says “Can I play with your rubber ducky because I’m scared” and the guy says ” Uh, O.K.” and he falls asleep.

The next morning he looks at the bed and he sees the there is blood all over the place and he asks the little girl “What Happened” and the little girl says”The rubber ducky spit at me so I chopped it’s head off.”

Be very proud to be British Because:

Only in Britain… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain… do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain… do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain… do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain… do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain… are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION…

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

8 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.

And finally………

In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.

RULE BRITANNIA!!

A little boy and a pedophile are walking in the deep, dark, woods. The little boy says,

“Mister, I’m scared! These woods are really creepy.”

The pedophile replies, “How do you think I feel? I have to walk back all by myself.”