JokesArcade

A man goes to his doctor for an annual check up.

The doctor says “I’ll need you to come back tomorrow with a urine sample, a poo sample and a sperm sample”.

The man replies “Right so doctor, I’ll bring’em by tomorrow”

When he gets home his wife askes “Well what did he say ?”

The man replies “He needs me to bring in a pair of your underwear.”

Three whores decide to see who has the biggest snatch. They get naked, and start fingering themselves and each other.

After a few minutes, the first one squats on a glass top table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves.

The second one then squats on the table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves, which is even bigger.

The third one squats on the table, but when she stands back up, the first whore says, “You didn’t leave an outline.”

She says, “Smell the rim.”

John found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

“I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said as he walked up to her “but in just a short while, my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later , she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men.

One day two brothers, Jack & John decide to go out diving for seafood.

They quickly manage to fill up a sack of seafood so Jack decides to take it back to shore & grab another sack to fill.

John is out at sea all by himself when he see’s a shark coming towards him.

Frantically he calls out to his brothr Jack who is still at shore, “Bro Help me Help me there is a shark heading straight for me.”

Jack calls back “Yeah Im coming bro”

John is freaking out, the shark swims right up to him & bites off his leg.

Again he is calling out to Jack who is still at the shoreline “Bro come and help me, the sharks bitten off one of my legs.

Jack yells back “yeah hold on Im coming!!”

John tries to stay calm and wait for his brother but then the shark bites off one of his arms.

He yells back to his brother Jack “Hurry!! Come and help me the shark has bitten off my arm and my leg.”

Jack calls back “Hold on Im coming!!!”

Then the shark bites off his other leg, John yells “Jack you have to come & save me. The shark has bitten off both my legs and an arm.”

And as usual Jack replies. “Just wait Im coming”

The shark then bites off Johns other arm.

Now John has no arms or legs.

His brother finally arrives to save him.

Come on bro, get on my back & I will swim you back to shore.

When they get to the shoreline Jack says with an exhausted sigh “I feel fucked”

And John replies “Well I had to hold on some how!!!”

Man goes to the doctor and says “I’ve got a huge hole in my ass”
The doctors says “drop your pants, bend over and let have a look”. “Fuck me!!” says the doctor ” what could have made a hole as big as that?”
Patient replies I’ve been fucked by an elephant”.
The doctor says “An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous”.
Patient replies “He fingered me first”.

I knew this guy right and he had been feeling sick for quite sometime now
I had been telling him to go see a doctor and because his situation was getting so bad he decided to go see a doctor so off we went.

He went into the doctors room sat down and was told that he had some sort of rare intestinal virus. He was subscribed with suppositries and told to take two a day. The doctor said he would give him the first one.

Once we got back to his house I had a few beers and left then it was time for his next one so he asked his wife if she could do it. So she put her hand on his shoulder and thrusted the supositry into his ass.

He screamed and his wife said “What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?”

He said “No – I just realised the doctor had both hands on my shoulders!!!”

An Indian tracker is taking some pioneers through the plains in the mid-1800′s. Suddenly he stops and points. “Bear have babies.” He says.

One of the younger pioneers runs up and asks, “How’d you know that!?.”

“I know these things,” replied the Indian.

They continue their journey, and a little while later the Indian stops, points, and says, “deer tracks.”

“How’d you know that!?” asks the young pioneer once again.

“I know these things.”

After another hour of journeying, the Indian jumps of his horse and puts his ear to the ground. “Buffalo come.”

“How’d you know that!?”

“Ear wet.”

Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue. One of them turns to the other and says,
“You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she’d been there for three weeks. Man, I’m tellin’ you, her clit was just like a pickle.”
“What,” the other asks, “green?”.
“No,” says the first, ” a bit sour.”

There once was a little boy who was celebrating his 11th birthday.

He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his father. “Bet cha’ can’t guess how old I am today”, the boy said.

The father has no clue and finally gives up. “I’m eleven!” the boy exclaims.

Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandma, and says, “Bet cha’ can’t guess how old I am today”.

“Let me give it a guess”, grandma says and sticks her hand in his trousers.

She plays with his testicles for about an hour or so (squeezing them; moving them back and forth), takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, “You’re eleven years old”.

“How did you know?” the boy asked.

Grandma replied, “I heard you tell your father”.