The last question read, “Old MacDonald had a ________.”

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn’t watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. “Pssst. Tiny. What’s the answer to the last question?”

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn’t noticed then he turned to Bubba. “Bubba, you’re so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM.”

“Oh yeah,” said Bubba. “I remember now.”

He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny’s shoulder again, he whispered, “Tiny, how do you spell farm?”

“You are really dumb, Bubba. That’s so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O.”

“Non-virginity,” replied the quarterback, “When I married her, I
thought I was getting a tight end, but instead, I found that I had
married a wide receiver.”

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, “Is this seat taken?” The man replied, “This was my wife’s seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan.” The other man replied,”I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn’t give the ticket to a friend or a relative?”

The man replied, “They’re all at the funeral.”

With an NBA player’s strike against the team owners looming, now is the time for us to show the world just how much we care. It’s just not right. Hundreds of basketball players in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level! Atrocious! And, as if that weren’t bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several weeks–possibly a whole year–as a result of the strike. But now you can help! For about two thousand dollars a day–that’s less than the cost of a large screen projection TV–you can help a basketball player remain economically viable during his time of need.

Two thousand dollars a day may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a basketball player it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, two thousand dollars is nothing more than three months rent or mortgage payments. But to a basketball player, two thousand dollars a day will almost replace his salary.

Your commitment of two thousand dollars a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.

“HOW WILL I KNOW I’M HELPING?”

Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You’ll also get information on how he plans to invest the $5 million lump sum he will receive upon retirement. Plus upon signing up for this program, you will receive a photo of the player (unsigned). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples’ suffering.

“HOW WILL HE KNOW I’M HELPING”

Your basketball player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won’t know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses.

Simply fill out the form below.

___YES, I want to help!

I would like to sponsor a striking NBA basketball player. My preference is checked below:

[ ] Starter
[ ] Reserve
[ ] Star*
[ ] Superstar**
[ ] Entire team***
[ ] I’ll sponsor a player most in
need. Please select one for me.

* Higher cost
** Much higher cost
*** Please call our 900 number to
ask for the cost of a specific
team (Sorry, does not include
cheerleaders).

Please charge the account listed below $2,054.79 per day for a reserve player or starter for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with a team logo and my very own NBA Players Association badge to wear proudly on my lapel.

[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa
[ ] American Express [ ] DiscoverCard
[ ] Diner’s Club

Your Name: __________________________
Telephone Number: __________________
Account Number: _____________________
Exp.Date:____________________________
Signature: _________________________

Mail completed form to NBA Players Association or call 1-888-TOOMUCH now to enroll by phone. (Children under 18 must have parental approval.)

Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Keep in mind that the basketball player you have sponsored will be much too busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous donations. Oh yes, contributions are not tax-deductible.

In these rites, the Egg of Life is symbolized by what is called
“The Oval”, an inflated bladder covered with hog skin. The convention
of “The Oval” is repeated in the architectural oval-shaped design of
the vast outdoor churches in which the services are held every sabbath
in every town and city. Also every Sunday in the greater centers of
population where an advanced priesthood performs. These enormous
churches dominate every college campus; no other edifice compares in
size with them, and they bear witness to the high spiritual development
of the culture that produced them.

Literally millions of worshipers attend the sabbath services in these
open-air churches. Subconsciously, these hordes are seeking an outlet
from sexual frustration in anticipation of violent masochism and sadism
about to be enacted by a highly trained priesthood of young men. Football
obviously arises out of the Oedipus complex. Love of mother dominates
the entire ritual. (Notre Dame and Football are synonymous).

The rites are preformed on a green rectangular area orientated to the
four directions. The green area, symbolizing Summer, is striped with
ominous white lines representing the knifing snows of Winter. The
white stripes are repeated in the ceremonial costumes of the four
whistling monitors who control the services through a time period
divided into four quarters, symbolizing the four Seasons.

The ceremony begins with colorful processions of musicians and semi-nude
virgins who move in and out of ritualized patterns. This excites the
thousands of worshipers to rise from their seats, shout frenzied poetry
in unison and chant ecstatic anthems through which runs the Oedipus
theme of willingness to die for the love of mother.

The actual rites, performed by 22 young priests of perfect physique,
might appear to the uninitiated as a chaotic conflict concerned only
with hurting the Oval by kicking it, then endeavoring to rescue and
protect the Egg.

However, the procedure is highly stylized. On each side there are
eleven young men wearing colorful and protective costumes. The group
in so-called “possession” of the Oval first arrange themselves in an
egg-shaped “huddle,” as it is called, for a moment of prayerful
meditation and whispering of secret numbers to each other.

Then they rearrange themselves with relation to the position of the
Egg. In a typical “formation” there are seven priests “on the line,”
seven being a mystical number associated not, as Jung purists might
contend, with the “seven last words” but actually, with sublimation
of the “seven deadly sins” into “the seven cardinal principles of
education.”

The central priest crouches over the Egg, protecting it with his
hands, while over his back quarters hovers the “Quarterback.” The
transposition of “back quarters” to “quarterback” is easily
explained by the Adler School. To the layman the curious posture
assumed by the “Quarterback,” as he hovers over the central priest,
immediately suggests the Cretan origins of Mycenaean animal art,
but this popular view is untenable. Actually, of course, the
“quarter-back” symbolizes the libido, combining two instincts,
namely, a) Eros, which strives for even closer union, and b) the
instinct for destruction of anything which lies in the path of Eros.
Moreover, the “pleasure-pain” excitement of the hysterical
worshipers focuses entirely on the actions of the libido-quarter-back.
Behind him are three priests representing the male triad.

At a given signal, the Egg is passed by sleight-of-hand to one of
the members of the triad who endeavors to move it by bodily force
across the white lines of Winter. This procedure up and down the
enclosure, continues through the four quarters of the ritual.

At the end of the second quarter, implying the Summer Slostice, the
processions of musicians and semi-nude virgins are resumed. After
forming themselves into pictograms representing alphabetical and
animal fetishes, the virgins perform a most curious rite requiring
far more dexterity than the earlier phallic Maypole rituals from
which it seems to be derived. Each of the virgins carries a wand
of shining metal which she spins on her fingertips, tosses playfully
into the air, and with which she interweaves her body in most
intricate gyrations.

The virgins perform another important function throughout the entire
service. This concerns the mystical rite of “conversion” following
success of one of the young priests in carrying the Oval across the
last white line of Winter. As the moment of “conversion” approaches,
the virgins kneel at the edge of the rectangle, bury their faces in
the earth, then raise their arms to heaven in supplication, praying
that “the uprights will be split.” “Conversion” is indeed a
dedicated ceremony.