Its All About Jokes

Plane

Q. What did the Maori say to the jew

A. He brew

These are actual answers on a McDonald’s application submitted by a 17 year old kid someplace in Florida. They actually hired him too. I think this kid’s gonna go far…

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

An elderly gentleman was invited to his old friends‘ home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms – Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years, and clearly they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, “I think it‘s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.“

The old man hung his head. “I have to tell you the truth,“ he said, “I forgot her name“.

A Plane was flying through the jungle when suddenly the engine stalled. The pilot ejected and drifted gently down to land. Unfortunately he landed in a large cooking pot which was gently simmering over a low fire.
All the local tribesmen…

policeman,shieldWhat not to say to the nice policeman:

Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald’s?

A man walks into a bar after a hellish day of work not noticing it was a gay bar. So when he walks over to order his drink, a gay meets him and said” Have you ever played bar football?” The man never heard such a thing and wanted to know how to play. The gay replied,” Its very easy. All you have to do is down a pitcher of beer and fart right after. Downing the beer is a touchdown and the fart is the field goal.” The man was thinking it through and thought that something might go right for a change. So the gay started the game by downing the beer and farting. He then said,” Now that is seven points. Now you try.” The man down the beer and when he lend over to fart, right then the gay put his finger up the man’s ass and stated,” Now that is how you block a field goal!”

Q: What carries round a sack and bites people?
A: Santa Jaws

There was a man who was obsessed with the colour red
One day he decided to paint himself red so he did and he also painted his house red
One day he was taking a shower and the blind man from across the road knocked on his door
So the red man put his towel on and went downstairs to answer it
The blind man said “it’s a miracle, i’ve got my sight back.”
As he said that the red mans towel dropped. The blind man was so shocked he ran across the road and got hit by a bus.

So the morale of the story is don’t cross the road while the red man is flashing

Cindy McCain was in her front yard watering her roses when John McCain came out of the house and rushed straight to the mailbox, opened it, looked in,then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

As Cindy was getting ready to prune the roses, John came back out to the mailbox, opened it, felt all the way to the back,and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her husband’s actions Cindy asked him, “Is something wrong honey?”

To which he replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL.”