JokesArcade

As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside
a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists.  An Arab
salesman approached them carrying belts.

After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked
where they were from.

“America,” the husband replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded.
“She’s not from the States.”

“Yes I am.” said the wife. He looked at her and asked. “Is he
your husband?” “Yes.” she replied.

Turning to the husband, he offered….. “I’ll give you 100 camels
for her.” The husband looked stunned, and there was a long
silence.  Finally he replied, “she’s not for sale.”

After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her
husband what took him so long to answer, to which the
husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100
camels back home.”

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend

to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs,

they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was

decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his

wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the

husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop

and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he

accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail

without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband’s funeral. He

was a minister of many years who had been ‘called home to glory’

following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting

messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message,

she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow’s son rushed into the

room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which

read:

To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I’ve Arrived!
I’ve just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been

prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you

then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

(P.S. Sure is hot down here!)

Shelly

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

“I feel terrible,” he explained. “I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it.”

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet. The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, ” What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?” The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:

“‘Hare Spray’ Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave.”

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were
forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man
behind her and said, “Sir, if you don’t stop poking me with your thing,
I’m going to the cops!”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about miss – that’s just my pay check
in my pocket.”
“Oh really” she spat.”then you must have some job,
because that’s the fifth raise you’ve had in the last half hour.”

A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a

2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the

world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while

doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking

about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks

“What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”.

The dude replies “A 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000.”

“That’s a lotta money!” says the old man, shocked. “Why does it cost

so much?”

“Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!” states the cool dude

proudly.

The old man asks “Can I take a look inside?”

“Sure” replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning

back on his moped, the old man says “That’s a pretty nice car,

alright!”

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man

what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the

speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear

view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe three

times as fast!

The guy wonders “what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo

BeepBeeP?” Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.

Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man

on the moped! Couldn’t be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a

Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror!

WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car,

demolishing the rear end.

The guy jumps out and discovers it is the old man! Of course, the

moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the

dying old man and asks “You’re hurt bad! Is there anything I can do

for you?”

The old man replies “Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view

mirror on your car!”

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. “I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want Novacaine because I’m in a big hurry,” the woman said. “Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we’ll be on our way.” The dentist was quite impressed. “You’re certainly a courageous woman,” he said. “Which tooth is it?” The woman turned to her husband and said, “Show him your tooth, dear.”

A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen.

Ugh!”

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says

to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says, “There’s no call for that. You go right up there and

tell him off. Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Two men got out of their cars after they collided at an intersection.

One took a flask from his pocket and said to the other, “Here, maybe

you’d like a nip to calm your nerves.” “Thanks,” he said, and took a

long pull from the container. “Here, you have one, too,” he added,

handing back the whiskey. “Well, I’d rather not,” said the first. “At

least not until after the police have been here.”

AKBAR KHALI_KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN
Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

FEKR GABUL ORADAN DAVAT PAEH CUSH DIVAR
I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie on the floor
with my arms above my head and my legs apart.

SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH DEH GOFTEH BANDE
I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your

life.

AUTO ARREREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH HAST
It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk
of your car.

FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA

JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN
If you will do me the kindness of not harming by genitel

appendages I will
gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.

MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLEIEH, GHORBAN
The red blindfold will be lovely, excellency.

TIEKH NUNEH OB KHREELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM
The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I really

must
have the recipe.

Regards,
MPAGE@bcsc02.gov.bc.ca
BCSC / DNS