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August 1st, 2009 in Uncategorized by admin

The New York City school board has officially declared Jewish English, now dubbed ‘Hebonics’, as a second language. Backers of the move say the city’s School District is the first in the state to recognize Hebonics as a valid language and significant attribute of New York culture.

According to Howard Schollman, linguistics professor at New York University and renowned Hebonics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.

Prof. Schollman explains, “In Hebonics, the response to any question Is usually another question — plus a complaint that is implied or stated. Thus, ‘How are you?’ may be answered, How should I be, with my feet?’”

Schollman says that Hebonics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or skepticism. An example is the repetition of a word with “sh” or “shm” at the beginning: “Mountains,shmountains. Stay away. You want a nosebleed?”

Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: “It’s beautiful, that dress.”

Schollman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as ‘He’s slow as a turtle,’ could be: “Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks.”

Schollman provided the following examples from his textbook, Switched-On Hebonics.

Question: “What time is it?”
English answer: “Sorry, I don’t know.”
Hebonic answer: “What am I, a clock?”

Remark: “I hope things turn out okay.”
English response: “Thanks.”
Hebonic response: “I should BE so lucky!”

Remark: “Hurry up. Dinner’s ready.”
English response: “Be right there.”
Hebonic response: “Alright already, I’m coming. What’s with the ‘hurry’ business? Is there a fire?”

Remark: “I like the tie you gave me, wear it all the time.”
English response: “Glad you like it.”
Hebonic response: “So what’s the matter; you don’t like the other ties I gave you?”

Remark: “Sarah and I are engaged.”
English response: “Congratulations!”
Hebonic response: “She could stand to gain a few pounds.”

To guest of honor at his birthday party:
English remark: “Happy birthday.”
Hebonic remark: “A year smarter you should become.”

Remark: “A beautiful day.”
English response: “Sure is.”
Hebonic response: “So the sun is out; what else is new?”

Answering a phone call from son:
English remark: “It’s been a long time since you called.”
Hebonic remark: “You didn’t wonder if I’m dead yet?”

 
February 28th, 2009 in Uncategorized by admin

An Irishman, a Scottishman and an Englishman are all going to be executed by a firing squad. The Englishman is taken out and told to face the wall so he does but just as they’re going to shoot him, he shouts “Earthquake!” and the firing squad runs away. Then they bring out the Scottishman and he faces the wall but just as they are going to shoot he shouts “Tidal Wave!” and the firing squad again runs away. The Irishman is brought out and they tell him to face the wall and just as the firing squad is about to shoot, the Irishman shouts, “Fire!”

 
February 15th, 2009 in Marriage Jokes, Uncategorized by admin

Doctor: Do you watch your husbands face while making love?
Lady: I did once & saw anger.
Doctor: why?
Lady: Because he was watching from the window

 
February 13th, 2009 in Humor Jokes, Uncategorized by admin

A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash. As usual the store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and not wanting to stare quickly looks away again. Out of the corner of his eye the manager sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash. Shocked, the manager runs over and says “Mister is there a problem – is there anything I can help you with?” The blind man calmly replies “No thanks – I’m just looking around.”

 
February 4th, 2009 in Uncategorized by admin

Of all the professions we fear, one stands out. No, it’s not
“mortician;” by then it’s too late. This is a word that makes a
certain part of our anatomy pucker in anticipation. Yes, the word is
“proctologist;” the dreaded p-word! The mere mention of the word
strikes terror deep inside most of us. 9 1/2 of every 10 adults
would prefer a root canal over a visit to Dr. Finger. (Source: I
Made It Up Survey) The other half is into that sort of thing.

Proctologist; from the Greek meaning “pain in the ass.” Did you
ever wonder who was the first proctologist? My research shows it was
Dr. Ben Dover, who was fed up with mainstream medicine and wanted to
boldly go where no one had gone before, “I think I’ll devote my life
to making people as uncomfortable as possible… since dentistry is
taken, I’ll start at the other end.”

Have you ever gone to a party and been introduced to a doctor.
After a hardy handshake, you discover he’s a proctologist. Even wash-
ing your hands 6 times, you still find yourself only eating with your
left hand. He is the one doctor you never ask for free advice, “Doc,
I’ve got this thing right here, can you take a look at it? But he’s
one person who’s seen more assholes than you’d find at a political
convention.

Throughout the ages, proctologists have been the butt of many
jokes; butt I would not stoop to that level here. I have given a
considerable number of minutes to formulating ideas to improve
people’s concept of these doctors of the down under.

o In order for a proctologist to receive their medical certifica-
tion, their hand must fit in a size one glove, and they must have
their fingernails removed.
o The proctologist’s genitals shall literally be placed in the hands
of the patient. At the first sign of discomfort, the patient may
exert an equal pressure producing a similar discomfort.
o Proctologist’s advertising shall NOT include phrases like:
“Let our fingers do the walking.”
“We’ll bend over backwards for you.”
“Please, take my seat.”
“We give ‘Moon over Miami’ a hole new meaning.”
“It looks like the End.”
o Doctors will not be allowed to use wise cracks or ice breakers
like:
“I can’t place my finger on it, butt you look familiar.”
“Don’t have a seat, I’ll be right with you.”
“Quick, nurse! Get the camera! They’ll never believe THIS one!”
“Yes, I see a family resemblance.”
“Hmmmm, looks like you’re a quart low.”
“The first three feet might be a bit uncomfortable; after that…”
“Out of K-Y Jelly? Oh well, let’s do a dry run.”
“I’m putting you on a low-bean diet.”
“Nurse, give me a number 2 sandpaper glove.”
“How long have you had this crack in your butt?”
“I see you had pizza last night.”
“When was the last time you had a lub and oil change?”
“Ah, you must be gay.”
“Nurse, come here. Ya want to feel something really weird?”
“Ooops, I think I lost my watch.”
“I’ve never seen stalagmites growing in one before!!”
“If you think that was a pain in the ass, wait till you get my bill.”
“Gee, I hope I can get this out.”
“When was the last time you had your barnacles scraped?”
“Nurse! Who let this asshole in my office?”

 
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