“Yes” = No

“No”
= Yes

“Maybe” = No

“I’m sorry” = You’ll be sorry

“We need” = I want

“It’s your decision” = The correct decision should be obvious by now

“Sure… go ahead” = I don’t want you to

“I’m not upset” = Of course I’m upset, you moron!

“We need to talk” = I need to complain

“You’re certainly attentive tonight” = Is sex all you ever think about?

“Be romantic, turn out the lights” = I have flabby thighs

“This kitchen is so inconvenient” = I want a new house

“I want new curtains” = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper…

“I heard a noise” = I noticed you were almost asleep

“Do you love me?” = I’m going to ask for something expensive

“How much do you love me?” = I did something today you’re really not going to like

“I’ll be ready in a minute” = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

“Is my butt fat?” = Lie to me

“You have to learn to communicate” = Just agree with me

“Are you listening to me!?” = [Too late, you're dead]

“Do what you want.” = You’ll pay for this later

Q: What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: Oh about 45 pounds.

The young widow was kneeling at her husband’s grave tending to the weeds, when she felt the grass rustle beneath her skirt. She smiled and said “Easy sweetheart, you’re dead now ya know.”

A foreign language teacher was explaining to her class that, unlike their English counterparts, French nouns are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like ‘chalk’ or ‘pencil,’ she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Confused, one student raised his hand and asked, “What gender is a computer?” [...]

Element Name: MAN Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50) Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples. Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with [...]

A young married woman was discussing her sex life with a girlfriend. The girlfriend asked, “Do you talk to your husband when you’re making love ?” She thought about it a minute then said, “Well, no. But I could. I mean he has a cell phone and all now.”

Typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: “I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that [...]

Late yesterday afternoon the US Government, in coalition with several major European countries, announced at a press conference newfound dangers from swallowing bubble gum. The FDA first learned of this problem after one of their officials attended a Pilates class. If you or someone you know chews gum and does pilates, make sure you send [...]

Q. What’s the best way to force a man to do sit-ups? A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Regardless of what you may hear, there’s still many women these days who are excellent “housekeepers”. Seems each time they get a divorce, they keep the house.