“No”
= Yes

“Maybe” = No

“I’m sorry” = You’ll be sorry

“We need” = I want

“It’s your decision” = The correct decision should be obvious by now

“Sure… go ahead” = I don’t want you to

“I’m not upset” = Of course I’m upset, you moron!

“We need to talk” = I need to complain

“You’re certainly attentive tonight” = Is sex all you ever think about?

“Be romantic, turn out the lights” = I have flabby thighs

“This kitchen is so inconvenient” = I want a new house

“I want new curtains” = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper…

“I heard a noise” = I noticed you were almost asleep

“Do you love me?” = I’m going to ask for something expensive

“How much do you love me?” = I did something today you’re really not going to like

“I’ll be ready in a minute” = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

“Is my butt fat?” = Lie to me

“You have to learn to communicate” = Just agree with me

“Are you listening to me!?” = [Too late, you're dead]

“Do what you want.” = You’ll pay for this later

Things like ‘chalk’ or ‘pencil,’ she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Confused, one student raised his hand and asked, “What gender is a computer?”

The French teacher wasn’t sure which gender it was, so she ivided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories.

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by dousing with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don’t even go there!)

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Often unstable. Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

She thought about it a minute then said, “Well, no. But I could. I
mean he has a cell phone and all now.”

His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night… whether you’re here or not.”

If you or someone you know chews gum and does pilates, make sure you send this to them!