Happy Christmas to all. As we all know on 25th December Christianity commemorate the birth of Jesus. Our team has collected a huge collection of Christmas Jokes for our valuable users to keep them smiling on this great occassion, You can use these Jokes as Christmas SMS also to wish your loved once via text messages. Enjoy your stay here and have fun!
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says
nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall .
The drunk mumbles, “ain’t no use knocking, there’s no paper on this side either!”
A man walks into a bar with a metal box under one arm and a duck under the other. The man walks
up to the bar and asks the bar tender “if you give me a free bottle of beer I’ll show you my
dancing duck”.
The barman is surprised, but gives the guy a Bud and asks the bloke to show him the duck dancing.
So the guy puts the metal box on the bar, and stands the duck on top of it. A few seconds later
the duck starts to jump around, as if he’s doing an Irish jig.
Everyone in the bar is now watching this duck dancing, and the barman offers the guy $50 for the
duck and the box. The bloke accepts, and the pub is filled day and night for 3 days with people
watching the amazing dancing duck.
So 3 days after he sold the barman the duck, the guy walks back in to the pub and sees his duck
dancing on the box on top of the bar.
The barman sees the guy and offers him a bottle of Bud on the house. As he gives the guy the Bud,
the barman asks, “Could you tell me how you stop the duck from dancing on top of the box?”
The man replies, “Oh that’s easy, you just take the hot coals out.”
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye.” The bartender says, “Yeah, right! I’ve never seen anyone do that!” So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it.
The angry bartender pays the man his fifty dollars and the man walks away. He comes back half an hour later and says, “I bet you fifty dollars I can bite my left eye.” Now the bartender becomes really skeptical. She says, “I just saw you walk in here — you can’t be blind!” So he takes out his fake teeth and bites his left eye. The bartender pays him his money and he walks away.
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I want a 12-year-old scotch, and
don’t try to fool me because I can tell the difference.”
The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with a 5-year-old
scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls, and says, “Hey bartender! This crap is
5-year-old scotch.I told you that I wanted a 12-year-old.”
The bartender won’t give up and tries once more, this time with an 8-year-old
scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces, and says, “Bartender, I do not want
8-year-old scotch like this filth. Give me a 12-year-old scotch or I’ll leave!”
Impressed, the bartender gives him the 12-year-old scotch on the house. The man
takes a sip and sighs, “Ah, now that’s the real thing.”
A disgusting, ugly, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great
interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says,
“Hey, I think that’s really far out what you can do. Try this one.”
The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, “Yechhh! This
stuff tastes like piss!”
The drunk’s eyes light up and he says, “So how old am I?”
Sardar was going to Chandigarh from pune by a air-india plane. He was alloted the
middle seat of one of the 3-seats array. But as soon as the sardarji got into the
plane, he sat on the window side seat which was actually for an old lady. After
some time the old lady came and requested the sardarji to leave the side seat. But
the sardaji told: “I want to see the view from the window and shall not leave”.
The old lady then complained to the air hostess. The air hostess came and
requested the sardarji to leave that seat. But sardarji was adament and did not
leave. Then the air hostess went and told the asst capt. He also came and
requested, but in vain. Finally the Captain came. He whispered something in the
ears of the sardarji, and the sardarji immedietly left the side seat and returned to
the middle seat.
Astonished, the airhostess and the asst. capt. asked the capt. what he told to the
sardarji. Capt. replied: “nothing. I just told him that only the middle seats will go to
Chandigarh. All others will go to Jalandhar
Banta thought he was dead, but in reality he was very much alive.His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince Banta that he is still alive. Nothing seemed to work.
Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show Banta that dead men don’t bleed. After hours of tedious study, Banta seemed convinced that dead men don’t bleed.
“Do you now agree that dead men don’t bleed?” the doctor asked.
“Yes, I do,” Banta replied.
“Very well, then,” the doctor said.
He took out a pin and pricked the patient’s finger. Out came a trickle of blood.
The doctor asked, “What does that tell you?”
“Oh my goodness!” Banta exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger … “Dead men do bleed!!”
Chuck Norris puched bo-bo monkey upside the chin, we call him ob-ob monkey now
A guy was watching the game, drinking a few beers and popping beer nuts into his mouth, when his wife began yelling at him. He turned his head toward her and accidentally popped a beer nut into his ear. Both him and his wife tried and tried but neither could get it out. All right she said, lets get you to the hospital. As they walked outside their daughter and her boyfriend walked up and she asked, where are you and dad going. The mother said, we’re off to the hospital, your father has a beer nut caught in his ear. The boyfriend then asked, before you go can I try to dislodge it. The boyfriend then stuck two fingers up the fathers nose and told him to blow. The father blew and out popped the beer nut. The mother then asked the father, our daughters boyfriend is so intelligent, what do you think he’ll be when he grows up. The father replied, by the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.
A guy is sitting in a bar having a drink. All of a sudden an alien sits down next to him, licks its finger and sticks it in the guys ear. he is a little annoyed, but doesn’t say anything. The next thing he knows, the alien does it again. This time the guy tells him to quit. Five minutes later, it happens again. This time he yels at him to stop. Ten minutes later, he finds a finger in his ear. Finally, he jumps up and screams, “If you don’t quit I’m gonna rip your balls off!”. The alien thinks about it for a second and does it again. The guy jumps up, pulls its pants down, but there was nothing there! in frustration he asks, “How do you screw?!!” The alien smiles and sticks his finger in the guys ear.
Juan, Carlos and Antonio all jump off a cliff to see who will hit the ground first. who wins?
Society.