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An American Jew was shopping on Regent Street in London. He entered a posh gourmet food store. A sales representative, in a long morning coat
with tie and tails, approached.
“May I be of help to you, sir?“
“Yes. I‘d like a pound of lox.“
“Sorry, sir – do you mean smoked salmon?“
“Okay, a pound of smoked salmon.“
“Anything else, sir?“
“Yes, a dozen blintzes.“
“I believe you mean crepes, sir.“
“Okay, a dozen crepes.“
“Anything else, sir?“
“Yes. A pound of chopped liver.“
“You are probably referring to pate, sir.“
“Okay, a pound of pate – and could you deliver all this on Saturday?“
“Sorry, sir – we don‘t schlep that chazzerai on Shabbos.“
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A New York judge is presiding over the divorce
proceedings of a Jewish couple. When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is complete the woman thanks the judge and says, “Now I have to arrange for a Ghet.”
The judge inquires what she means by a Ghet.
So, the woman explains that a Ghet is a religious ceremony required under the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce recognized by the Jewish faith. The judge says, “You mean a religious ceremony like a Bris”(Circumcision)?
She replies, “Yes, very similar, only in this case you get rid of the ENTIRE dick!”
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During the Vietnam war, a Lieutenant asked a Marine why he
was falling back during a really fierce battle. “Didn’t you hear
me say that we’re outnumbered 4 to 1 ?”
The Marine replied, “I got my four Sir.”
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An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road.
The Rabbi says, “Oy vey! What a wreck!”
The priest asks him, “Are you all right, Rabbi?”
The Rabbi responds, “Just a little shaken.”
The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, “Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves.”
The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, “Well, what are we going to tell the police?”
“Well,” the priest says, “I don’t know what your aft’ to be tellin’ them. But I’ll be tellin’ them I wasn’t the one drinkin’.”
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There once was a rector from Kings,
Who’s mind was on Heavenly things,
But his heart was on fire,
For this boy in the choir,
Who’s ass was like jelly on springs.
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A cop stops his police car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb. The chap is laying on his side with his trousers pulled down, the girl has her finger in his asshole, and she’s reaming away with a vengeance.
The cop says, “What the hell is going on here?”
The girl says, “This is my date. When I told him I wouldn’t spend the night with him, he started pounding down the booze. Now, he’s too drunk to drive me home, so I’m trying to sober him up by making him puke.”
The cop says, “That’s not gonna make him puke.”
She says, “Yeah? Wait till I switch this finger to his mouth.”
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Several men are in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches
rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
“Hello?”
“Honey, It’s me.”
“Sugar!”
“Are you at the club?”
“Yes.”
“Great! I’m at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous! Can I
buy it?”
“What’s the price?”
“Only $1,500.”
“Well, okay, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much.”
“Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke
with the salesman and he gave me a really good price … and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought
last year…”
“What price did he quote you?”
“Only $60,000!”
“Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
“Great! Before we hang up, something else…”
“What?”
“It might seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and…well, I stopped by to see the real estate
agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It’s on sale! Remember? The one with a pool,
English garden, acre of park area, beachfront property…”
“How much are they asking?”
“Only $450,000… a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover…”
“Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000, OK?”
“Okay, sweetie. Thanks! I’ll see you later!! I love you!!!”
“Bye.”
The man hangs up, closes the phone’s flap and asks aloud, “Does anyone know to whom this phone belongs?”
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businessmanOne attractive young businesswoman to another, over lunch:
My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid
multiplying.
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The rabbi tells a story
‘A poor woodcutter found a baby in the forest and adopted him. But how should he feed the child? He prayed to God, and a miracle happened: The woodcutter grew breasts and could nurse the child.’
A student:
‘But why should god make woman’s breast grow on a man? God could have sent a purse with gold, so the woodcutter could have hired a nurse.’
The rabbi responds:
‘Wrong! Why should God spend money, if he can manage with a miracle?’
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Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.
The doctor walks in and Michael asks: “Doctor, how long before we can have sex?”
The doctor replies, “I’d wait until he’s at least 14.”
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