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Answering Service At The Mental Institute

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If ...
Saturday, February 14th, 2009 Funny Jokes
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Freds’ Note

Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece ...
Saturday, February 14th, 2009 Funny Jokes

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A maharajah of India

The maharajah of an Indian Province issued a royal decree. He ordered that no one was to kill any wild animals while he was the country's leader. The decree was honored until there were so many Bengal Tigers running loose that the people revolted and threw the maharajah from power. This is the first known ...
Saturday, February 14th, 2009 Funny Jokes

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Lets Pee

A patient complained to a doctor that he wetted his bed every night. “Before it happens, do you see any dreams?“ the doctor said. “Yes, doctor. Usually I see a dream in which a small demon comes and says, ‘Let‘s pee.“ “OK,“ the doctor said. “Next time you see the demon, say, “No, we‘ve already peed.“ Next time the ...
Saturday, February 14th, 2009 Funny Jokes
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Police Emergency

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things. He immediately ...
Saturday, February 14th, 2009 Funny Jokes
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A Loan for Kermit

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad ...
Saturday, February 14th, 2009 Funny Jokes
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Relaxing Dinner

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber but wants some fun. The man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." ...
Saturday, February 14th, 2009 Funny Jokes
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Heavens Ugliest Women

Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe." So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he ...
Saturday, February 14th, 2009 Funny Jokes
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Man goes to a dentist

A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made ...
Saturday, February 14th, 2009 Funny Jokes
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fifty dollars is Fifty Dollars

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year Morris would say,“Esther I‘d like to ride that helicopter“. Esther would replied, “I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars and fifty dollars is fifty dollars“. One year Esther and Morris went to the fair and Morris said, “Esther, ...
Saturday, February 14th, 2009 Funny Jokes