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Pat: Hey, Chris! How’s your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.
Chris: To tell you the truth, I’m really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.
Pat: You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird? I can’t believe it!
Chris: Well, yeah. After all, he’s a parrot fish.
Pat: I hate to tell you this, Chris, but while you might be able to teach a parrot bird to sing, you’re never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.
Chris: That’s what you think! He can sing all right. The thing is, he keeps singing off-key. It’s driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?
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One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
“Why are you eating grass?“ he asked one man.
“We don‘t have any money for food,“ the poor man replied.
“Oh, come along with me then.“
“But sir, I have a wife with two children!“
“Bring them along! And you, come with us too!“ he said to the other man.
“But sir, I have a wife with six children!“ the second man answered.
“Bring them as well!“
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.“
The lawyer replied, “No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall.“
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You have a face like a million dollars.
All green and wrinkled!
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1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbour, “May I borrow a highlighter?”
2. Say “Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t put my lips on that.”
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, “Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before.”
5. Drop a marble and say, “oh shoot!! My glass eye!!”
6. Say “Darn, this water is cold.”
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, “Now how did that get there?”
9. Say, “Humus. Reminds me of humus.”
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbours while yelling, “Whoa! Easy boy!!”
11. Say, “Interesting….more sinkers than floaters.
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbour. Then say, “Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?”
13. Say. “C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me!!”
14. Say, “Boy, that sure looks like a maggot”
15. Say, “Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?”
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your “Cross-Dressers Anonymous” newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbour and say, “Peek-a-boo!”
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing “Born Free”
20. When you’re in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall and say “You got any more toilet paper over there, This side’s completely out.”
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A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to
the barber chair while her dad gets his hair cut….she is eating a snack
cake… the barber smiles at her and says, “Sweetheart, you’re gonna get
hair on your twinkie.”
“I know, “she replies. “I’m gonna get boobies, too.”
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A young fellow ran into an old man who was carring a bag.
“What’s in the bag?” the youngster asked.
“magic apples”, the old man replied.
“Prove it”, said the young man.
“Well, besides apples, what is your favorite two fruits?” asked the old man.
“Watermelon and peaches”, he answered.
The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. “Ok, turn it over”, he said.
The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.
The youngster still wasn’t convinced that they were magic.
The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat.
“I like to eat pussy.” he snapped.
The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.
He took a big bite, spit it out, wipped his mouth and esclaimed, “That tasted like shit”.
The old man looked at him, smiled and said, “Turn it over.”
This joke was submitted by:
Ken B.
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The French will eat almost anything. A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. He successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. The young man replied, “I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have … a hutch back of Notre Dame.
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I feel like whether you like him or not, Bush seems like a fun guy. Like he’s that guy you invite to the bar-b-que ’cause you know he’ll start the whiffle ball game.
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Vote Bush in ‘04: “I Has Incumbentory Advantitude”
Bush/Cheney ‘04: This time, elect us!
Bush/Cheney ‘04: Don’t Change Whores in Midstream.
Bush/Cheney ‘04: Because the truth just isn’t good enough.
Bush/Cheney ‘04: Four More Wars!
Bush/Cheney ‘04: Assimilate. Resistance is Futile.
Bush/Cheney ‘04: It’s still Clintons Fault
Bush/Cheney ‘04: Making the world a better place, one country at a time.
Bush/Cheney ‘04: Less CIA — More CYA.
Vote for Bush & You Get Dick!
Bush/Cheney ‘04: Apocalypse Now!
With a Bush, a Dick and a Colin, everyone gets screwed
Bush/Cheney ‘04: Iran and Syria are still out there.
Bush/Cheney ‘04: Building a Bridge to the Great Depression
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Q: What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon and George W. Bush?
A: Washington couldn’t tell a lie, Nixon couldn’t tell the truth, and Dubya doesn’t know the difference.
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